Welcome to the first installment in the Sexual Healing Toolkit for Survivors, a blog post series exploring sex toys, sexual wellness products, and other resources survivors can use as tools to heal from trauma. All too often, survivors’ pleasure and sexuality are neglected because of societal expectations about what healing “should” look like and what survivors are “supposed” to prioritize. Let’s rewrite the narrative.
Content note: This post contains general, non-specific mentions of trauma.
When you think about sex toys, how do you categorize them? I like the word “tool,” which Merriam-Webster defines as “a handheld device that aids in accomplishing a task.” It may sound a bit cold and overly mechanical, I know, but stick with me.
Sex toys aren’t just products—they have wide potential and capability and take on different meanings for different people. Whether the task at hand is an orgasm, a better understanding of what kinds of sensations and stimulation work for you, or sexual healing, sex toys could help.
If sex toys are new to you and you’d like a bit more background information before continuing, check out Using Sex Toys to Heal From Trauma: A Guide for Survivors for tips and tricks on how to navigate the expansive world of the sex toy industry.
Why Wands?
I believe wands have unique qualities that make them particularly well-suited for survivors looking to reclaim, relearn, or explore pleasure. They opened a massive, gold, gleaming door to pleasure for me after experiencing years of abuse that left me feeling adrift and completely disconnected from my body and my sexuality.
What are those unique qualities? Let’s stop wand-ering about and jump in! (As with anything, though, your mileage may vary. If something isn’t applicable to you, that’s okay! If you don’t like wands or they just aren’t working for you, that doesn’t mean you’re broken.)
Wands create a (healthy) barrier
Because of their size, wands can create a physical barrier for survivors who may not be able to engage in skin-to-skin contact. Unlike smaller toys like bullet vibrators that sometimes guarantee some kind of physical touch (even if it’s just for a fleeting moment because the toy is too slippery from overzealous lube application), many wands have long handles and broad heads that can help the user separate from the toy.
There are a number of reasons why a survivor may not want or be able to engage in sexual activities that involve certain kinds of physical touch. For some survivors, genital contact can be triggering. For others, the sexual activities that we’re told are “supposed” to feel amazing simply don’t feel like anything at all after surviving trauma. For years, I thought I was broken because I felt nothing but numbness and awkward discomfort when I tried to masturbate. Having a tool to accompany me, though, helped me write a different story.
Let me also say this: there may be people who say that because you use a physical barrier to aid in feeling pleasure, that you aren’t actually ready for sexual activity, and you aren’t actually healing. This is wholly uninformed and inaccurate. Healing looks different for everyone, and the journey is not linear. You have the autonomy and agency to seek and feel pleasure in whatever way you’d like, using whatever tools you’ve added to your tool belt. No one is allowed to police your healing.
They offer a cornucopia of sensations
At first glance, wands might look intimidating. For many of us, our first introduction to wands centered on the formerly-named Hitachi—now Magic Wand—a plugged-in powerhouse that rumbled one’s entire vulva to orgasm with ease. (Remember that episode of Sex and the City?)
In reality, wands are much more nuanced and versatile than that. Before we get to the cornucopia, though, let’s ground ourselves in two ideas. First, wands are for everyone, not just people with vulvas! People with penises use and enjoy wands, too. Second, wands aren’t a monolith. A large, marketed-as-a-neck-massager vibrator isn’t your only option. Wands come in all shapes and sizes. From mini wands that can fit on your keychain to a rechargeable wand you can throw in a small backpack on-the-go to the original plug-in Magic Wand, there are a plethora of options. Like some other categories of sex toys—think dildos and anal plugs, for example—wands give you the opportunity to size up, size down, adapt, add attachments, and more.
How does this relate to sexual healing? Because wands of all sizes offer a broad range of sensations, they can be particularly helpful tools for survivors of all genders who are learning or relearning what kind of sensations they find pleasurable. What may seem like a straightforward, full-genital-rumbling toy can be hacked to help you explore a wide variety of stimulation. Like other vibrators, many wands feature varying vibration patterns and strengths, but because of their unique concentrated power, they can also direct a lot of oomph to the area you want to target. You don’t have to rumble everything if it doesn’t feel good—got one angle you’re particularly into? Try it! Bored with that? Try another! Want more textures or interested in experimenting with internal stimulation? Wand attachments can help with that.
This wand cornucopia could be filled with sensations that are similar to or completely different from how you accessed pleasure before surviving trauma. All that matters is that your pleasure is on your own terms.
A Wand in the Wild
Every year, new technology is developed that can be beneficial for survivors’ sexual healing. Whether products are specifically designed with survivors in mind or not, there are a lot of tools on the market we can use to reclaim and explore our pleasure. (Hey, that’s the whole reason this series even exists!)
One such new product is Wand, We-Vibe’s first foray into designing wand vibrators. Wand stands in contrast to We-Vibe’s classic toys, like the Tango or dual-stimulation products like the Chorus, which are traditionally smaller and offer more targeted, pinpoint stimulation.
With a dimmer switch one-touch control, a Smart Silence setting that senses when the toy is making contact with skin and turns itself off when it isn’t, and the ability to sync up with We-Vibe’s We-Connect app, there’s no denying that Wand is innovative and advanced. Wand also has an ergonomic, curved handle; a broad, yet not cumbersome head; and rumbly vibrations (although I’d argue the vibrations aren’t the strongest on the market).
All of these features mean that as a survivor, I can get my needs met. With Wand, I can have a lengthy barrier between my hands and my vulva, comfortably experiment with a variety of sensations and angles as I continue to relearn my pleasure, and immediately cut off any physical sensation close to my body if I’m triggered (thanks, Smart Silence!). This makes Wand stand out.
Please note: I am not a medical provider. The Sexual Healing Toolkit for Survivors is based on my own experience and knowledge as a survivor, a sexuality professional, and as someone who found sex toys to be a critical part of their healing journey.
This post was sponsored by We-Vibe. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.