I have a love/nervous relationship with conferences. I met my partner at the biggest LGBTQ+ conference in the United States, wholeheartedly look forward to Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit every summer to spend time with some of my closest friends, and am grateful for the opportunity to grow personally and professionally at conferences across the world.
It’s not all smooth sailing, though: I’m an introvert, which can make the entire conference experience overwhelming, sometimes incredibly so. Over the years (and countless conferences), I’ve added some tips and tricks to my introvert toolbelt—I hope they’ll provide comfort for other conference-going introverts out there!
As the title suggests, this post is geared towards people attending sexuality conferences. While the same tips absolutely apply to other career fields, I’ve found sexuality-specific conferences zap my energy more quickly than others if I don’t play my introvert cards right. Sex bloggers and educators are a small-ish, tight-knit community, and we rarely get the chance to all be together in the same place at the same time, which can come with some (self-imposed) social pressure. Further, sexuality conferences often come with the unique opportunity to attend play parties, go to sex clubs, etc., which can be draining, too! (While hookups happen at all conferences, in my experience, it’s rare to find intentional, pre-planned spaces for sex outside of sexuality conferences.)
Plan to skip at least one workshop session or conference social per day. This might seem kind of counterproductive—we do go to conferences to attend workshops and socials, after all—but there are so many benefits to taking at least one session per day to recharge. Going into conferences with the mindset of “I don’t NEED to do everything” can really help.
Trying to pick sessions and plan schedules day-of can be overwhelming, so I recommend checking out the conference schedule in advance and pre-planning your days, building in self-care time when you think you might need it. You can also set social expectations for yourself in advance: for example, that you’ll go out one night, and stay in another. Whether or not you meet (or even need!) those expectations is okay, but setting them can help push back against the unrealistic narrative that you must attend every single thing.
Sleep. Drink water. Have a meal. Repeat. This one is self-explanatory, but it’s really easy to forget when you’re deep in the throes of a conference! Having designated time to recharge each day is just as important as nourishing your body and giving it the rest it needs. Conference schedules can be intense and overwhelming, especially for introverty types, so it’s always helpful to check in with yourself throughout the day to ensure you’re taking care of your basic needs. Set phone reminders if you need to!
Build in alone time during meals to maximize networking and socializing stamina. So many of the questions I received when I asked folks for their conference introvert worries were about balancing conference sessions, alone time, and socializing and networking. In addition to planning not to go to every single thing on the conference schedule, also plan to build in alone time so you can maximize networking and socializing stamina for after-parties, evening events, and going out if those are things you want to prioritize!
Lunch and dinner are excellent blocks of time to grab a meal, practice self-care, and maybe even take the highly-coveted conference nap. Meal times are what always get me at conferences—they’re usually not ALL provided by the event organizers, so I end up going out with new or old friends in-between a barrage of workshops and networking socials, leaving me even more drained than before. Even if meals are provided by the conference, you can still grab that boxed lunch or dinner buffet plate and book it on up to your room. If you don’t have a room at the conference venue or if it’s not at a hotel, find a quiet place to stretch out or a local coffee shop where you can relax. Lunching and dinner-ing on your own can help you recharge and refuel without the pressure of entertaining others, and that alone time can be energizing to get you ready to hit the town later.
Wear something indicating how you feel about socializing—and if you’re up to it, check in with conference organizers to see if they can offer the same for everyone else. I’ve seen this play out in a number of ways! Some people like to wear a green, yellow, or red sticker on their nametag to signal they actively want to meet new people (green), might be interested in making new friends, but would prefer the other person strike up the conversation (yellow), or need some space without human interaction (red). You can also wear more detailed stickers: for example, these stickers for Playground say “I’m shy,” “ask me anything,” and “say hello, I’m new.”
Social media can also be a powerful tool to communicate how you feel about meeting new people. If initiating a conversation is difficult for you, try tweeting about topics people can ask you about before the conference begins. This can also be helpful for people who want to get to know you, but may also be shy or introverted. Here’s a good example. (And don’t forget to use conference hashtags so fellow attendees can find you!)
Become buddies with boundaries. Setting boundaries can be really damn difficult, especially in a society that tells us we’re not allowed to have any, but they can be critical in overwhelming conference situations.
Try setting boundaries and expectations with friends, roommates, and partners at the conference. For example, let them know that you may not always be up for social interaction or if you need the room to yourself for a nap. They should respect those boundaries and give you the space you’re asking for. (And if they’re introverts, too, you can spend that quiet time together if you’re into it.)
Knowing your introvert needs and boundaries can also help you find roommates. Not into planning a big party or having your room be the social hangout space? It’s probably a good idea to check in with potential roommates beforehand to let them know that. If your roommate situation is already sorted out but it turns out they want to host a party but you’re not into the idea, it’s okay to ask them to try to find an alternate location. Sometimes that isn’t possible, though, so if you have another introvert buddy at the con, link up and ask if you can hang out in their room for the night and just relax and be quiet together. Introvert buddies have been lifesavers for me at many a conference!
Additionally, if you’re traveling with friends but checking into separate rooms and you know they’re planning on hosting parties, it’s fine to ask for rooms on a different floor—or at least rooms that aren’t adjoining. You can still be bothered or overwhelmed by noise and social gatherings that aren’t your own, and that’s okay!
Finally, practice setting boundaries with yourself. Knowing when you’re reaching your limits is helpful for extricating yourself from a conference session, friend hangout, whatever. Do what you need to take care of yourself!
Pack to prioritize yourself in shared spaces and in public. Whether you’re rooming solo or with roommates, you’ll undoubtedly be in some space and community with other people during the conference. If you’re not staying at the conference hotel or if the conference isn’t held at a hotel, you may be at the venue for long days without any private space. So… how do you introvert when you’re surrounded by people? Savvy packing is the key to being comfortable!
Packing an introvert emergency kit is usually my saving grace at conferences. Load up your phone with your favorite podcasts or music, pack headphones (and an extra pair in case yours get lost), always have a phone charger handy, bring books to read or coloring books to occupy your mind, and/or download your favorite movie or TV show to watch on your computer or phone when things feel overwhelming and you’re seeking the comfort of something familiar. Popping in your headphones and focusing on coloring, read a book, watching a movie, or listening to a podcast in a corner or a private-as-possible can help you recharge in a bubble.
Use white noise to help making your sleeping and personal needs space as comfortable as possible. This is super-specific, but it’s great for a number of introverty situations! (This is also a personal bias because I never travel anywhere without my sleep machine. It’s like my pet.) If you’re an anxious sleeper, slow to adjust to new sleeping spaces and arrangements or sleeping around new people, or have bathroom accessibility needs (or even if you’re just a shy pooper), you may want to try a white noise machine.
White noise machines come in a variety of sizes. I have a medium-sized corded one I keep at home and a small rechargeable one I travel with. If you’re highly noise-sensitive, a white noise machine may not work for you, but I’ve found they’re usually fine for people who typically sleep in silence. My sleep machine is also a huge comfort when I’m anxious or having a difficult day—turning it on and filling the room with white noise rather than my thoughts helps quiet my brain. If you’re overwhelmed at a conference, taking a white noise break could be helpful! (There are also white noise phone apps if you need to take your break in public.)
Above all, be gentle with yourself. A handful of the responses I got when I asked people what questions they had about conferencing for introverts were about how to not feel guilty if you need to opt out or remove yourself from a situation. Even if you employ all the tips above—pick and choose sessions, nourish yourself, take alone time, etc.—sometimes we just can’t interact with people anymore, and that’s okay. It can feel really hard and scary to make the difficult decision to leave the group hangout or play party early (or to not go at all), but your health, emotional wellbeing and safety, and comfort are more important than anything else. The friends you made will still be around even if you skip out on a night with them—you can make other plans for another day, for a Skype date, or at next year’s conference. There are no magic words to say so that you won’t feel left out or feel bad about leaving—sometimes it just happens—but you’re allowed to practice self-care, listen to your body, prioritize your needs, and be gentle with yourself.
What tips and tricks do you have for introverts attending sexuality conferences? Chime in and add your thoughts in the comments below!