Last weekend, I taught my introduction to sex toys workshop for Valentine’s Day. In addition to a 101 on body-safe sex toy basics and a rundown on what kind of products are out there, much of the material focuses on deconstructing the sexual shame we’re taught to feel about our pleasure and desires.
For many of us, when we’re first introduced to sex toys, they’re treated as a joke. Whether as the punchline in a TV show or the “naughty” gift we pick out for a Secret Santa exchange, the underlying implication is that sex toys aren’t to be taken seriously—to be recognized as the tools for pleasure, healing, education, and connection they are.
This notion has changed somewhat thanks to decades of work by sexuality activists and educators to reduce stigma around sex toys and pleasure, but tendrils of sex negativity remain, burrowed deep into the fabric of our culture. Progressive, forward-thinking sex toy companies have made huge inroads in making sex toys more accessible for everyone. However, they usually don’t denigrate the entire industry in doing so.
Enter Gwyneth Paltrow.
On Friday, an interview with Paltrow was published in the New York Times where she discussed Goop’s (her “wellness” company) new product: a vibrator. But this thing isn’t just any old vibrator. According to Paltrow, her double-sided wand vibrator stands in opposition to “hypersexualized” vibrators like “you would buy in a sex shop,” something “you could leave … on your night stand without embarrassing yourself or somebody else.” (Spoiler: it looks like a pastel ice cream cone.)
That is, unfortunately, not the end of it. Paltrow claims that Goop wanted to make a vibrator to “diminish stigma,” then goes on to say that in creating this new product, they were looking to do something “perhaps a little more intellectual.” Intellectual.
Let me pause for a moment. In truth, I didn’t want to write this post. I debated with myself on whether to give Gwyneth Paltrow and her horrifying business model—shame wrapped in shiny paper and a bow with an empowerment price tag—any more air time. Countless other people have certainly taken Paltrow and Goop to task over their jade eggs and faux wellness bullshit. In the end, however, I decided to—and not only because as a sexuality professional, that interview has been plaguing me for the last two days.
The truth is this isn’t just about Gwyneth Paltrow. This isn’t just about Goop. This isn’t just about one random claim here or there (and I could refute them all: there’s nothing embarrassing about sex toys; yes, non-realistic sex toy shapes are important, but many already exist; there is nothing new or innovative about this design; the list goes on).
This is about how shame surrounding sex toys harms everyone’s sexual health.
By hinting to her Goop followers and consumers—and the world, through the Times interview—that sex toys are essentially shameful and unsophisticated unless they’re made in her narrow vision of “empowerment” and “wellness,” Paltrow is also telling us what she thinks about how we express our sexualities and the sex toy industry as a whole.
Most of us already struggle to find comprehensive, pleasure-centered, trauma-informed sex education. We have to seek it out as adults, and if we’re not sure where to look (and why would we?), we may unknowingly turn to companies such as Goop to fill in the gaps. Posturing one sex toy as inherently worthier than another because of its aesthetic—not even because of any other merits, like accessibility, price point, ease of use, or power—doesn’t only create shame for the consumer of that particular product, it creates shame surrounding the entire sex toy industry.
By suggesting she wanted to create a toy one would not have to go to a sex shop to find, Paltrow is effectively separating herself from the industry—while, I might add, somehow still including over a dozen other sex toy brands on the Goop shop. That distance, whether imagined or real, speaks volumes to Paltrow’s elitism. It not only creates a sex toy hierarchy, but a hierarchy of who deserves access to pleasure.
If that is the only source of information someone has about sexuality, that stigma can become internalized, but it can also morph into something larger: when we’re taught to feel shame about pleasure and sex toys, we may turn to cheaper, unsafe and toxic products if we don’t believe we’re granted access to pleasure at the same “intellectual” level as others. This is quite literally dangerous given that toxic toys can lead to things like chemical burns and infections.
In my work, I often share that I believe we can’t and don’t have sexual freedom if we don’t have all the information about what’s going inside or on our bodies and if we’re being lied to or sold out by unethical companies looking to make an easy dollar. I believe the same is true in another direction, too: companies shaming consumers for their sexuality and the sex toy products they choose to use in the name of “wellness” is an affront to health justice.
You should never be made to feel ashamed for the sex toys you use. It’s okay if you’re not ready to put them on your night stand, but it’s also okay if they’re already there. Whether you enjoy hyperrealistic toys, fantasy toys, or your standard wand or bullet, it’s about your pleasure, not the opinion of some woman on the internet.