Valentine’s Day has never been particularly meaningful to me, but it certainly is in our culture. The narrative that being partnered is significantly more desirable than being single—or worse, makes you worthier and gives you social capital—has only grown more intense during the pandemic.
The capitalism-fueled “most romantic time of the year” plus COVID-induced isolation is the perfect recipe to make solo folks (or people who’ve been unable to see their partners for the better part of a year) feel inadequate. I’m all mixed up in that single-on-V-Day stew, too: the person I thought was my life partner left me nearly six months ago. I’m okay, but I still feel lonelier than I can ever remember, and I’m through with pretending that isn’t the case.
So, this Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d approach things a little differently than in years past: with intention to care for myself as well as possible amid a flurry of cultural messaging that tells me—and all of us—that the best way to care for ourselves is through romantic partnerships. Here are a few practices I’m following this month to put myself first.
Celebrating many forms of love
It may seem counterintuitive to mention other people immediately after saying I’m putting myself first, but stick with me! Romance, love, and long-term bonds aren’t confined to relationships society traditionally sees as life partnerships. In fact, the best Valentine’s Days I can remember have always been spent with friends: my first post-big-breakup V-Day in high school, day trips to neighboring towns when we were in college, organizing to show love for abortion providers in recent years, and more.
Through loving and caring deeply for others, I love and care for myself, too. My friends welcome me showing up as my full, authentic self, even if I need reminding sometimes, and those sustaining relationships have one thousand percent helped me get through the pandemic.
Leaning in to new rituals
Many people I know, especially fellow writers and creative types, have daily practices to help them set goals for the day and self-reflect: journaling, yoga, planners, etc. I am—no exaggeration—horrible at all of this. I buy a planner every year without exception, only to leave it to languish in February or March. I tell myself I’ll go for daily walks and let one day of rain derail that plan indefinitely. However, given that my word of the year is intention, I really am trying to move through the world more purposefully this time around.
I set a number of intentions (how many times can I use that word in one blog post?) at the beginning of the year to center myself and my needs, both tangible and intangible. Instead of just letting those fall by the wayside as the year continues, I routinely return to what I’ve physically written down to remind myself to slow down, honor my energy, and say no more often. I’m also beginning to learn how to use an oracle deck to help me set intentions for or reflect on each day. I’ve been using The Asylum Oracle, created by one of my favorite artists, Emilie Autumn.
Taking the unexpected road
I’ve mentioned before that if I’m not careful, I’m prone to stack so much on my plate until everything comes crashing down. I also tend toward perfectionism. It’s usually hard for me to get off the must-do-all-the-things train of thought once that ticket’s been punched, especially if I’m holding myself to a high standard about some relatively casual thing (which, let’s be real, I usually am).
For example, I set a New Year goal of reading 40 pages per day. I’ve kept up with it some days but not all, and for once, I’m doing the unexpected—which sounds much more exciting than it actually is—and just letting it be if I don’t reach that target. Doing what I feel like doing rather than what I’m expected to do, whether those boundaries are self- or societally-imposed, is freeing. Right now, that means focusing on writing erotica, something I never saw myself doing but which I’ve greatly enjoyed over the past few months. I’m not publishing as many educational pieces, and that’s okay. We have to get our joy wherever we can. (And speaking of, Smutathon has a Smut Slam coming up on Friday, February 12!)
Prioritizing my pleasure
Since the breakup, it’s been difficult for me to access pleasure in the ways I normally would. However, I recently received some brand-new sex toy releases I’m actually excited about (it’s a miracle!), namely the Lora DiCarlo Drift and the reimagined We-Vibe Tango X.
The Drift is a warming vibrator—desperately needed on the market since L’Amourose’s disappearance, in my humble opinion—and an absolute lifesaver in the ice-cold New England nights. The upgraded Tango is also inspiring me to ruminate on how my pleasure preferences have evolved since I started beginning reviewing sex toys, which is pretty neat! Give me all the data on what makes me tick, please and thank you.
Honoring the little things
Everything I’ve written about here involves some form of self-care, but there are a specific smaller acts that are helping me, too. To name a few: color-changing tri-thermal nail polish from Death Valley Nails. Cozy candles and lush robes. Pronoun pins with every outfit. Daily post-work naps and extended kitty snuggle sessions. An order of Valentine’s chocolates from Lagusta’s Luscious, a delicious, ethical, vegan sweets shop in New Paltz, New York. Sending TikToks to friends as my new love language. Hot chocolate on snowy nights.
Whether you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day this year with lovers, friends, family, or pets, I hope you find moments to care for yourself, too.