Since July 2016, I’ve been living a blissful LELO-less existence. I was convinced I’d never be in possession of one of their products ever again. Sure, I’d see them annoyingly line the shelves of sex shops and I’d still tell anyone who’d listen that they top my list of unethical sex toy companies, but LELO in MY hands? Ha! That’s a funny joke.
That is, until, a handful of HEX condoms—perhaps LELO’s most heinous, egregious, disgustingly misogynistic product—fell into my lap at a conference. And not just any HEX condoms, no—specifically their RESPECT XL range.
Hold on. Respect WHO, you may be wondering? Why, respect the man who wears it, of course. Any phrase flagrantly displayed on a massive ice sculpture and printed on the base of all of LELO’s HEX condoms is obviously about penises. Did you think this was about respecting all sexual partners involved? Perhaps a nod to consent or feminism? That’s cute.
And don’t forget, people with EXTRA LARGE penises deserve EXTRA LARGE respect! You really can’t escape it now—it’s printed right here on this garish box. What a lovely, inclusive message for the masses.
Anyhow. Back to my story. I’m writing this introduction on a plane, so thankfully the Misogynistic Condoms™ are six feet under. Oh, sorry, did you think I’d buried them? No, no. (Although I wouldn’t put it past me. Good thinking, reader.) They’re just stowed away in baggage. I couldn’t bear to bring them in my carry-on for fear they’d jump out of my purse and start lecturing fellow passengers about how important they are.
So, there I was, with a box of HEX in my hand. I had two options: I could chuck them in the bin, or I could use this ironic, unexpected moment for educational benefit and have a bit of fun along the way. I’m choosing the latter.
If you didn’t already know, LELO’s HEX condoms are incredibly structurally inept. Unlike a traditional condom, HEX is comprised of a plethora of—you guessed it—tiny hexagons. If you prick, tear, or otherwise break a traditional condom, it’s usually obvious, allowing you to make informed decisions afterwards (like accessing Plan B or PeP). If you prick, tear, or otherwise break HEX, only the affected hexagon(s) is compromised. You may not notice one broken hexagon—rendering HEX as a safer sex device utterly useless. Dangerous, even. For more on HEX’s structural issues, Lorax of Sex lays it out well.
The cherry on the top of this condom roulette sundae is LELO’s decision to hire Charlie Sheen as the official spokesperson for HEX. This has nothing to do with the condom’s structural issues, but it has everything to do with sex toy company ethics. I’d like to think “not hiring abusers” could be a baseline ethical standard in this industry, but apparently not.
So, without further ado, I give you a list of five fun activities you can do with a broken HEX condom that have nothing to do with sex. (By the way, my partner and I pricked the HEX condom featured in this post over 40 times with a pin and put it through extreme stress. It did not visibly break or shatter. Here’s a video of the first few pokes, compared to one prick of a traditional condom.)
Important note: Please do not actually do any of these things with HEX. Goddess knows what chemicals are in this thing. This is a sarcastic blog post meant to demonstrate just how structurally inept HEX is and how easily and sneakily fluids can leak through when it’s broken.
Water that pesky plant that’s been on the brink of death for weeks.
Struggling to become an excellent plant parent? Have a collection of succulents slowly dying on your desk? HEX can help! Just take your broken condom, fill it with water, and let those compromised hexagons do their thing. I’d say be careful not to overwater your precious plant children, but LELO obviously has no regard for leaky fluids, so proceed with caution.
Drizzle chocolate sauce all over your bowl of ice cream.
What’s more appetizing than chocolate sauce squeezed through a condom? I can’t think of a thing. Your broken HEX condom is the perfect chocolate sauce bottle substitute: with multiple holes, you can evenly drizzle chocolate all over your ice cream scoops! For a next-level dessert experience, make a milkshake and use HEX to line your glass with the sauce of your choice.
Strain the pulp out of your orange juice for a refreshing morning drink.
You accidentally bought the high-pulp orange juice at the grocery store AGAIN? No need for a second trip this time! Simply grab a glass and whip a broken HEX out of your kitchen tools drawer—it’s the PERFECT pulp strainer! Pour your orange juice inside and watch the pulp magically collect. Uh… on second thought, after watching that video, you might want to stick with a traditional strainer. Even HEX lets some pulp through. (How’s that for concerning?!)
Use it as a squirt gun for some raucous indoor fun on snow days.
Need an idea for wholesome fun when you’re snowed in in spring? (Thanks, climate change.) Just fill your broken HEX condom with water and turn your home into a watery playground! Try poking holes in a circle around the condom for some 360 squirt gun action.
Ice your cookies.
No, this isn’t a euphemism! Take your cookie decorating kit out of storage and go to town. Just squeeze some icing into your broken HEX and let the creative juices flow! For an extra level of fun, grab a heart-shaped cookie cutter and red icing and write your favorite message of looove on your delicious baked goods. Here’s a few for inspiration: BE MINE, YR MY SWEETHEART, and my personal favorite, FUCK LELO.
