Mourning a Loss of Community… and How That Relates to Sex Toys

My mind has a tendency to wander when I masturbate. If I’m not taking notes for a toy I’m reviewing, I try to solely concentrate on my pleasure and on the sensations I’m feeling, but let’s be honest: sometimes the urge to review tomorrow’s work schedule, overanalyze a random event from the day that I felt could have been handled better, or come up with a list of reasons why the person I’m currently attracted to hasn’t texted me back yet is just too strong.

I recently experienced an intensely sad, but revelatory, mind-wandering episode. After a couple of orgasms with my favorite wand, I grabbed my go-to dildo, the VixSkin Mustang, when the following thought process ensued:

“YES, this feels so good, as usual. I know I can always count on you, Mustang!”
“Wow, I wish someone was here to use this on me. Where’s a cutie with a strap-on when you need them?”
“Hmm… no cute humans here. That sucks, and I’m feeling a little sad and lonely.”
“Yikes. I really do feel lonely. I wish there was a cutie, yeah, but what I’m really craving is community. Where are my people?”

Odd train of thought? Maybe. But connecting with my body and my pleasure has always brought my deepest, most intimate thoughts and feelings to the surface, whether good or bad.

To provide some context: I graduated from college last May, and the past year has been the most difficult time of my life. In the past twelve months, I’ve lived in three apartments, moved twice, and worked three jobs, which is a drastic change from the stability I was used to after living in my hometown for seventeen years and in my college town for four. My big plan to move to Washington D.C. and start my career fell flat on its face. While I did move to the city for my dream job right after graduation, I was miserable. My mental health was the worst it had been in years. I was working 80 hours a week and couldn’t take any time off to see friends or family. Both my social life and my precious and necessary alone time evaporated. I didn’t blog for months and felt like a failure. I knew something had to change, so in September I took a new job and moved to a new state by myself, not knowing anyone in the city I was about to call home.

The hardest thing about graduating, especially moving to a new state, has been a loss of community. In college, I was on the executive board of my schools’ student-led LGBTQ+ group for three years, sang in choir and opera for four years, and helped lead feminist activism on my campus. My college roommates were (and are) my best friends, and we had a caring, generous, and wonderful circle of queer friends we spent most of our time with. Within the walls of my university, there was no shortage of community to be found.

Post-grad life is different. There are no institutional structures designed to help you make you friends when you graduate, unlike the always-together-all-the-time college set-up of dorms, classes, off-campus apartments, and extracurricular activities. I’ve had to work hard to create my own community from scratch in my new state, and while I do have a handful of marvelous new friends here, I’m missing a true feeling of community, of solidarity, a shared understanding of queerness and feminism and being Southern and working together to fight against oppression… which is where sex toys come in.

Sex blogging came to me right when I needed it. I started my blog after discovering the sex toy reviewing community while doing research for my undergraduate senior thesis on how to craft a revolutionary model of sex education, just a couple of weeks before I graduated. So today, as I reflect on the last day of my one year blogiversary month, I am thankful for the companies I work with, the toys I’ve tested, and the ability to have a space to share my voice on everything from sex toys, to gender, to dating, to mental illness, to being an abuse survivor, but most of all I am thankful for the community I have found. When I started my blog, I never could have imagined that one year later I would be friends with the people I most admired when I was just beginning to research the world of sex blogging.

This blog and the community I’ve found through it have been the only constants in my life in the past twelve months. While I wish all my blogging pals lived near me (Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit can’t come soon enough!), I know I can jump on Twitter anytime and talk about any topic – from moving states, to dating, to outrage over misogynist assholes, to Tinder weirdos – and receive instant support from my fellow bloggers and Twitter friends. This community lifts me up in the good times, comforts me in the bad times, and encourages me to be my authentic self all the time. Whether I’m playing Scrabble with Girly Juice on Facebook, live-tweeting Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder with Lilith, talking about the political climate in our state with Sugarcunt, gushing about femme feels with Artemisia, over Snapchat, or chatting with the plethora of other thoughtful, brilliant bloggers I’m lucky to be acquainted with, I know this community has my back. And it’s a beautiful feeling.

So, while I may still crave a community in my new home, I know I have one among my fellow sex bloggers, too. When I feel lonely while masturbating again (which will inevitably happen, I’m sure), I know I can tweet my feelings out or private message my wonderful sex geek friends and receive instant support and feedback. What a wonderful world.

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My Masturbation Playlist

A few months ago, I packed up everything I own, moved on my own to a new city in a new state for a new job, and started the next big chapter of my life. The entire move was done hastily and quickly turned into a complete disaster: the moving company took a full month to deliver my furniture, so I ended up sleeping on the floor for a few weeks, alone in my bare apartment surrounded only by the few still-packed boxes I was able to fit in my car.

When the rest of my belongings finally arrived, I knew I would have to spend a weekend unpacking and truly getting my apartment in order. Even though I had lived in my new home for a month, it was completely empty. So I did what anyone else would do: put on a great playlist and got to work.

Almost absentmindedly, I searched for London Grammar’s album If You Wait, one of my favorites. When the first song, “Hey Now,” came on, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I was immediately flooded with feelings and emotions I hadn’t felt for a long time. It was one of the strongest visceral reactions I’ve ever experienced. I felt vulnerable. I was also confused. What was going on?

And then it hit me: That song was a regular in my playlist when I started masturbating for the first time. And I hadn’t heard it for months.

Music has always played a huge role in my life. I’ve been singing for as long as I can remember; as a hobby at first, and now professionally in choirs and operas. When I was a teenager in serious emotional pain, my favorite bands were always there for me and showed me that music is a way to, sometimes, make the darkness a little brighter. As an adult, music continues to ground me and consistently provides me with a safe haven and an outlet to create beauty and energy and something all my own.

My masturbation playlist started off as a way to cover up the noise from my first vibrator. Since I had never “done this” before, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted any background noise. Maybe just lying there in silence would be better, I thought. However, I quickly discovered that wasn’t going to work – wands are noisy! At first, I tried putting on a poppy remix of one of my favorite artist’s most recent albums, then tried a TV show to just play in the background, neither of which provided me with the atmosphere I was looking for.

I learned that just covering up the noise wasn’t going to cut it. I needed more – I really wanted to connect with my body. My search for the proper playlist evolved into more of a desire to connect rather than a necessity to drown out vibrations. After trying pump-up music and general background noise, I finally put on an album by an artist I had only recently started listening to, London Grammar. It was perfect. I mixed in some songs by Daughter, some by Broods, and my playlist was born. The deep, atmospheric, haunting songs by these three groups opened the door to the headspace I was looking for; a place where I felt truly connected to my body and my pleasure and ready for exploration.

Everything in my life had a playlist. It only made sense that my masturbation sessions would too.

However, sometime in-between when I started masturbating and when I moved to my new state for my new job, I lost that playlist. I didn’t lose it in a physical sense – I could still open Spotify and start playing it whenever I wanted – but I lost that connection to my body; lost my incredible fascination with sex toys and exploration and discovery and pleasure. About nine months passed in that in-between phase, and a lot happened. I graduated from college, moved away from the place I called home for four years, started my very first job as a college graduate, quit that job four months later, and moved to an entirely new state alone after finding a new job. My mental health plummeted and I found myself back in a deep depression from the turbulence of graduating, cycling quickly through jobs, and essentially starting my life over all on my own.

It’s understandable why masturbation, and especially working on my blog, took a backseat for a while. I also quickly realized why listening to even just the opening chords of “Hey Now” gave me such an intense emotional and physical reaction. I was disconnected from my body for months. Hearing that song reminded me of the vulnerable, intimate place where I first discovered pleasure.

Now, four months after I heard “Hey Now” again while unpacking my moving boxes, I have a revamped, longer masturbation playlist. It still includes all of the favorites I mentioned above, but a lot of new discoveries, too. I’m thankful that my lifelong connection to music helped me discover my body – and that it brought me back to my body when I felt detached from pleasure and exploration for so long.

Do you have your own masturbation playlist? What do you listen to while masturbating, if you listen to anything at all? Let me know in the comments!

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To Men Who Think They’re Experts on Queer Women’s Pleasure

A few nights ago, I was out having drinks with a man I’d slept with once a couple of months ago. We started talking about queerness, and he asked me when I first knew I was interested in women. I told him I knew when I was in high school, but couldn’t be out for fear of retaliation from my then-boyfriend, and that I was finally able to come out to myself fully in my first year of college. I also told him that the first time I seriously dated a woman, in my third year of college, it changed my entire life.

And this is when our conversation began to go downhill.

As soon as I told him how my first queer relationship opened up my world, he started asking me details about what it was like to have sex with another woman. Alright, I thought, I can handle this. I’ve been a queer educator for years, and I’m used to people asking me all kinds of questions about queer sex and relationships. Usually they’re something along the lines of: “How does that work?” and “So, scissoring, am I right?” and “But… if there’s no penis… how is it really sex?” (Hello, cissexism! Get out of here with that shit.)

This man asked me no such questions. Instead, he looked me directly in the eye and said, “How could sleeping with women possibly be as intimate as sleeping with men?”

Oh, Christ. Here we go. He followed up this question by informing me (poor, ignorant me!) that face-to-face sex “means more” than other kinds of sex, so that when a woman goes down on another woman, it cannot be as meaningful or intimate as when a man and a woman have PIV sex. Furthermore, he so graciously explained that even if women engage in penetrative sex, a strap-on “isn’t really you” (as in your physical anatomy), so your connection with your woman partner still can’t be as intimate as it would be with a man.

First of all, holy shit, cissexism. I want to be clear that I do not support any of these claims, and that they represent an incredibly exclusionary view of bodies, identities, gender, sexuality, and relationships.

I could write for days just refuting his points: That there are many, many ways to have sex, regardless of your gender; that PIV sex is not the ultimate, “final” sex act; that queer people have amazing, mind-blowing, deeply intimate sex every damn day despite what straight cis men have to say about it.

I’m not going to do that, though. At least not now. This isn’t about one conversation I had with one man who happens to believe that when we had sex, it was more intimate than any of the sex I’ve ever had or will have with women (or, really, anyone who doesn’t identify as a cis man, even though he didn’t say that explicitly.)

This is about men thinking they can dictate, and are experts on, queer women’s sexual lives and pleasure.

Remarks ranging from belligerent questions about how queer women actually have sex to deeply personal comments getting at the core of queer women’s intimate lives all have one thing in common: Straight men who think they know what’s best for women, and that what’s best for women is men.

I am well aware that people of all genders and sexualities may have questionable things to say about queer women’s pleasure. I’ve encountered this with straight women who say they just can’t imagine being with another woman, and most often with queer men who openly and freely express their disgust over vulvas and vaginas. (Misogyny from queer men is very, very real. More on that some other time.) However, I have only ever experienced aggressive interrogation and a toxic “I know more about your pleasure than you do” attitude about my sex life from straight men.

This mindset among straight men is incredibly prevalent. I deal with it all the time, and I’d venture to say that most other queer women I know do as well. I experience it on Tinder and OkCupid, where men tell me daily that I just “need some dick in my life” to “turn me straight.” I experience it walking down the street, hand-in-hand with a partner, when I’m met with gross misogyny, harassment, and queerphobia. I experience it when a man I’ve slept with tells me women can never pleasure me the same way he once did; when he becomes threatened and reactive as soon as I tell him he’s wrong.

This attitude towards queer women is dangerous and harmful. While the comments and events discussed here may seem like outliers to those who haven’t experienced them, they are part of a toxic pattern of queerphobia, sexism, and misogyny that seeks to control the way queer women live their lives and express their sexuality.

Stopping this pattern is not queer women’s responsibility, but rather lies on the men who perpetuate it, and even men who don’t. Thanks to patriarchal ideas and standards of sex, toxic hypermasculinity, and heteronormativity and cisnormativity, many straight men claim to have a supreme knowledge about sex and have opinions about how everyone regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation should be having sex.

It is up to straight men themselves to break down these detrimental ways of thinking and start to truly listen to the experiences of queer folks as well as the needs, desires, and experiences of their women partners. For straight men who already understand that queer women’s sexuality is not owned and controlled by men, it’s essential to actively work on breaking down and calling out this toxic pattern when they see it.

I think by now it goes without saying that the only experts on queer women’s sexual lives and pleasure are, surprise, queer women themselves.

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Real Neat Blog Award!

Last week, three truly lovely people I admire in the sex blogging world – Emmeline Peaches, Miss Ruby Reviews, and Kinky Kitten – nominated me for a Real Neat Blog Award! I was shocked when I received my first nomination, and even more so when I got my second and third. My website has only been up and running for a little over three weeks, so I feel quite honored to be nominated! I’ve been blown away by the truly amazing and supportive community I’ve found since I started my blog and incredibly thankful to all of those who nominated for the Real Neat Blog Award.

For folks who don’t know about the Real Neat Blog Award, it gives you all, my wonderful readers, a chance to know a bit more about me, how I came to be a blogger, and what I envision for the future of my website. A couple of the nominations I received featured different questions, so I’ve tried my best to combine those nominations here while still keeping things relatively short and sweet. I hope you all enjoy!

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1) Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging to give myself a platform to express myself in a way I could never do before. I’ve worked for sexuality-focused companies and written extensively about sexuality and sex education in college, but I never had a safe space (and a brave space) that was all my own before I started Formidable Femme. This desire to carve out my own corner of the internet was borne out of a personal pleasure-based journey I’ve been on for the past year or so in an attempt to reclaim my sexuality after an abusive relationship. I was so inspired by the countless amazing sex bloggers I was reading day in and day out. When I finally realized that this was something I could do too, it didn’t take me long to purchase a domain name and get to work on setting up my site.

2) If your site had a goal, what would it be? How do you feel you’re doing with that goal, right now? How do you feel you’ve done with that goal over all?

Well, as I’ve only been blogging for a little over three weeks, I’m not as far along with my goals as I’d like to be. However, my overall goal is to offer a unique lens on sex toys and sex blogging in general through the lens of my intersectional identities – as a queer femme woman, as a survivor, and as someone living with a mental illness. While I’ve only posted a couple of reviews so far to get started, I want to get in touch with those intersectional identities through not only how I feel about (and use) sex toys, but also in a “Personal Musings” section where I discuss my thoughts about sexuality, gender, and feminism. I love writing reviews, but I’m really looking forward to writing about social justice issues as well. So far I think I’m doing pretty well with my goals considering how young my site is! (I also want to work on building an educational section of my website beyond the content I include in reviews or musings, but that’ll be a work in progress. Ideally, it would be focused on sexuality education as it relates to the intersectional identities I mentioned above.)

3) How has blogging influenced your life?

Again, even though I’ve only been blogging for a short amount of time, it’s already influenced my life in profound ways. On the night I bought my domain name and began to set up Formidable Femme, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. Just having a place to call my own was incredibly freeing, and I felt so comforted by taking that first step. Over the past few weeks, that freeing feeling has only gotten stronger – I feel more empowered than ever before about my sexuality, my queerness, and my femmeness. Having a shareable, interactive safe space is amazing!

4) What is your favorite part of blogging?

My favorite part about blogging is the extremely welcoming, open, and supportive community I’ve found over the past few weeks. Everyone in the sex blogging world is unbelievably helpful and willing to get new bloggers up and running by giving them as many tools, tips, and tricks as possible to help them succeed. There’s no competition here – only love, support, and mutual understanding. I was surprised to be welcomed with such open arms, but I’m so, so thankful that I was, and every day I’m happy to interact with all the lovely humans in this community. Of course, I also love the educational aspect of sex blogging in general and can’t wait to work a bit more on that part of my website.

5) What website on the entire web, besides your own, do you spend the most time on?

Tumblr! I’ve been super involved on Tumblr for the past six or so years and I think it’s a fantastic place to learn, grow, and cultivate new interests. Tumblr helped me immensely with my coming out process and also helped me find a supportive queer feminist community when I hadn’t yet found one in college. (That being said, if anyone would like the URL for my personal tumblr, just let me know through Twitter or e-mail!) I also spend a lot of time on Twitter, especially my account for Formidable Femme, and Facebook.

6) Are you kinky? How did you come to this conclusion?

I’m still trying to figure this one out!

7) What do you want to be when you grow up?

When I grow up, I want to continue doing the kind of work I’m doing now, just on a larger scale. My roots are in pro-choice activism, queer advocacy, and sexuality education, and are all tied to political work and grassroots organizing. My full-time job is in the reproductive justice movement. In a couple of years, I’d like to go to graduate school for a program that combines all of my passions, so I’ll likely end up studying human sexuality or something politically-based with a focus in women’s, gender, and sexuality studies. We’ll see what happens after that, but ideally I would love to be senior-level staff for a reproductive rights organization. I could also see myself going on to get my PhD and becoming a professor. Only time will tell!

8) What is the most important thing about you that you want everyone to know?

This is supposed to be about me, but I’m making it about you. I want you, dear reader, to know that I think you are worthy, you are loved, and you are enough. For too long, I was made to feel like I was unworthy, unlovable, and inadequate, and I never want anyone else to feel that way. Along with writing reviews and musings, I also want to provide a safe, brave space for my readers to feel accepted, understood, and heard.

Here’s the part where I’m supposed to nominate other folks for the Real Neat Blog Award – however, I’m pretty sure that all of the bloggers I had in mind have already been nominated! (Also, admittedly, I’m a bit late in writing this post – I’ve been moving into my new apartment and then on a beach vacation – so I’ve had some of these folks in mind for the past week or so.) So, while I think all of these wonderful folks have already been nominated (and some even nominated me!), there’s no harm in posting my list anyway: Emmeline Peaches, Artemisia FemmeCock, Sugarcunt, Miss Ruby Reviews, and Bex Talks Sex. You all are fantastic and so deserving of this award!

If you made it to the end of this post, thank you so much! This was such fun to write, and again, I’m incredibly honored to be nominated.

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Jumping In

Welcome, everyone! I am so incredibly excited to launch Formidable Femme today. This website started as a small spark in the back of my brain many months ago, and since then has made it’s way to the forefront of my thoughts as I get ready to graduate college and think about what I’m doing next.

As I mentioned in my About page, I wanted to create Formidable Femme as a place where my love for sexuality and writing could coalesce. Sexuality is a source of neverending fascination and wonder for me – as a queer woman and an educator, I’m saturated by discussions of queerness and healthy sexuality all the time, and I’m always looking to learn more. I’ve also had a life-long love affair with writing – since my childhood, I’ve loved writing in any capacity. The only thing missing from the sex toy reviewer equation was the sex toys themselves – and then when I discovered the wonders of my first vibrator, everything fell into place.

Since then, I’ve spent a potentially embarrassing amount of free time reading sex toy reviews, trying to learn the best ways to break into the sexuality writing sphere, and testing out sex toys themselves. I’ve been so inspired by some of my favorite sexuality educators and sex toy reviewers – Hey Epiphora, The Redhead Bedhead, Emmeline Peaches, Bex Talks Sex, Artemisia FemmeCock, Naughty Reenie, Dangerous Lilly, Lorax of Sex, and Apricot Creams, just to name a few – and realized that this was something I could do as well. It’s taken me a while to get to this point, but I couldn’t be happier to get started.

I also wanted to create Formidable Femme as a place where my intersectional identities could come together to help me carve out my own unique place on the internet. As a queer femme woman, a survivor, and someone living with a mental illness, I hope to draw on my experiences to give you all, my lovely readers, an intersectional perspective on sexuality and gender. To help keep Formidable Femme diverse, I also want to draw on the intersectional identities and unique experiences of my friends and invite them to write guest reviews and posts – I feel lucky to have an amazing support system and already have interest from folks who are more than willing to go on this journey with me.

I couldn’t be happier to start this new adventure, and I thank you so much for taking the time to read this introductory post! In the next few days I’ll be posting my first review and continuing to work on expanding the website. In the meantime, please feel free to follow me on Twitter and let me know what you’d like to see from Formidable Femme!

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