Pay Me or Get Out of My Inbox

This post started, as so many do, with a tweet. For once, it wasn’t a tweet from a company behaving badly. It was one of mine, ruminating on a topic bloggers bring up so often but receive so little justice on: getting paid for our work.

I feel like I’m always talking about this. I feel like bloggers and writers in general are always talking about this. I even went back through my blog archive to make sure I hadn’t written this post before.

Just so we’re clear, I’m exhausted of talking about this. I don’t want to be writing this blog post. I shouldn’t have to be writing this blog post, but the onslaught of companies who reach out asking for bloggers’ unpaid labor only seems to be getting worse, so here we are.

To demonstrate the sheer volume of these requests, I asked my sex blogging buddies to send me the number of unpaid work solicitations they received last month. In just November 2016, a small sample of 6 sex bloggers (both new bloggers and sex blogging veterans) received 66 emails asking for unpaid work.

This is unacceptable. These 66 requests were for product reviews from companies that don’t have affiliate programs, other types of blog posts such as personal essays and articles, advertisements to be placed on our blogs, and social media promotion of sales and new products. Basically, if a company asks a blogger to do something and they’re not paying us for it, guess what? That’s unpaid work.

(To clarify a point that’s received backlash in the past: yes, companies should either 1) pay bloggers to review their products, or 2) have a robust affiliate program that gives bloggers a chance to earn decent money. Sex toys do not pay the bills. It took me almost a year to fully grasp this concept, and I used to accept products for review left and right without compensation or an affiliate program. Now I don’t.)

Sex bloggers’ work is not frivolous, easy, or “just for fun”. For some, blogging is their full-time job. (And yes, asking us what we “really do” is insulting.) For others, it’s a part-time job, or a beloved side project in addition to a career in a different field. No matter where a sex blogger lands on the working spectrum, our blogs are serious business endeavors that we pour much of our time, energy, and passion into.

On average, it takes me between 3 and 12 hours to complete a blog post from inception to completion. This includes communicating with companies, researching, writing and editing the post, taking and editing photos, and social media promotion. Outside of writing blog posts, I spend a great deal of time curating my Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook accounts. For many bloggers, social media is the way we connect with our audience, and it’s an important part of the job that can’t be overlooked.

Blogging is legitimate work. To stop companies from exploiting bloggers, I think it’s worth exploring why they ask for free content. While some companies are just greedy and want to steamroll bloggers, I think there’s another major factor at play here, too.

Compared to other industries and blogging niches, the sex toy industry and sex blogging community are relatively small and tight-knit. The most common explanation I get when I ask companies why they’re soliciting unpaid labor is “We’re new, small, and don’t yet have an advertising budget, but we need the exposure.”

It’s fine to be a new company – we all start somewhere. What isn’t fine is thinking that because we’re in the same community, bloggers owe companies some type of favor. If you are not financially secure enough to pay bloggers, don’t reach out to us. Seriously, don’t.

Paying people for their labor shouldn’t have to be a revolutionary thing. If you think bloggers’ work is good enough for you to want to partner with us, pay us. It’s truly that simple. There’s nothing secretive about this and there’s no hidden detour to get around it. This is serious. This is about equity, ethics, and economic justice.

I’m tired of debating my worth email after email after email. I’m tired of companies trying to cut my sponsored post and advertising rates in half. I’m tired of hearing about the latest work solicitation email from fellow sex bloggers, knowing full well I’ll see the same email when I open my inbox. I’m tired of writing about this.

From now on, my reply to these companies is simple: pay me or get out of my inbox. Bloggers are mighty. If you haven’t noticed that, you might not be paying attention. We deserve to be paid for our work. We are worth it.

Are you a sex blogger? Want to join an unpaid work request tracking project in 2017? DM me or email me.

Are you a company? Want to talk about my rates? Email me. Want me to write for you without pay? Go away.

Want to hire a blogger, but think I may not be the best fit for your brand? Great, I’ve made this easy for you. Please refer to the blogroll to your right. Each blogger on my list is brilliant, talented, and worth your time and money.

The Power of Spooky Femme

Content warning: abuse.

One week ago, I cut my hair for the first time in two and a half years. I also dyed it jet black.

For my friends and family, the shoulder-length chop and color change may seem like a massive departure from my signature waist-length dark brown hair. But for me, my new hair feels like coming home.

• • •

If you follow me on Twitter or read my blog regularly, you’ve undoubtedly seen me talk about #SpookyFemme. I created #SpookyFemme to describe my aesthetic: all black clothing; deep red lipstick, and dark hair. My friend Kate calls this look “severe”, which I really love.

Being seen as severe, spooky, dark, and even unapproachable makes me feel good and powerful. Spooky femme is so much more than what you visually see from the outside: my femme identity comes from an internal power that is inherently tied to my queerness.

I love my spooky femme look, but I had a nagging feeling that it was incomplete. I wear all black every day. My nails are long and painted black with a matte overcoat. My dark lipstick is my trademark. So what was missing?

I had been considering a big hair chop for a while. On a whim, I thought “what if I also dyed it black?” Immediately, an image of me wearing all black with dark lipstick and black hair popped into my mind, and it clicked: spooky femme means so much to me and makes me feel so powerful because it’s a reclamation of my younger self, the self that I halted for almost ten years because my abuser forced me to.

• • •

When I was thirteen, I dyed my hair black and I adored it. I was your typical young goth teenager –  I loved wearing all black, and Tripp pants and heavy metal band tees peppered my closet – but the very beginnings of my budding spooky femmeness went deeper than that, as they continue to do now. What everyone assumed was just a phase wasn’t a phase for me. Somewhere inside of me, a small voice said “this is right”.

Until it wasn’t.

I also started dating my abuser when I was thirteen. A couple of months into our relationship, he started telling me what I was and was not allowed to wear (which later evolved into what I was and was not allowed to eat, and who I was and was not allowed to spend my time with… the list goes on). He demanded that I stop wearing the clothes I loved to wear, and promised he would never talk to me or even acknowledge my presence at school if I didn’t change my look.

I was crushed and confused. I loved my goth aesthetic, but I was just emerging out of years of being bullied horribly, and I knew what was going to happen at school if my abuser and his friends ever saw me wearing my beloved dark clothes again. I was already in the throes of an abusive relationship, and I had no idea.

I traded my Tripp pants for floral sundresses, let my band tees collect dust in the back of my closet, put light brown highlights in my hair, and packed my goth dreams away with a bruised heart.

• • •

Last fall, five years after my relationship with my abuser ended, #SpookyFemme was born. In an off-hand comment, I used the term to describe my look in the first picture in the collage above.

After a few years of bouncing between style phases, I had begun to wear a lot of black again. I knew “goth” didn’t feel like a perfect fit anymore, but “spooky” did – it combines severe glamour with my unyielding take-no-shit attitude. The small voice inside of me that said “this is right” when I was thirteen came roaring back.

• • •

One week ago, I looked in the mirror and felt more powerful than I have in ten years. My clothes are mine. My body is mine. My hair is mine.

My life is mine, and I will continue to reclaim it.

If you are a survivor, you are not alone. Please know that you are loved and supported. You matter because you are here in this world, and you matter to me.

Surviving the Election: Self-Care Methods that Don’t Require Access to Money

This writing originally appeared as a series of tweets, then as a Medium post. Now I’m reposting it here, on my personal blog. The tweets and Medium post received an incredible amount of feedback – it’s clear that folks are seeking community, healing, and survival methods at this time, and I wanted to make sure this list of self-care tips was accessible to everyone visiting my blog itself for years to come.

I love the emphasis on self-care floating around the internet right now in the wake of the election. I also want to elevate self-care methods that don’t require access to money.

If you are able to treat yourself, great, but not everyone can do that. (I suggest donating to progressive organizations if you do have money.)

Here are some self-care ideas that don’t revolve around money and capitalism:
  • First and foremost, drink a glass of water! Your body needs it.
  • If you are able, and you feel safe to, take a walk. Whether it’s around your town or your apartment complex, it may feel good to move your body.
  • If you are not able to go for a walk or go outside, open a few windows in your home or sit on your deck. The fresh air will feel good.
  • Visit your local animal shelter or sanctuary. The animals will thank you, and you can take comfort in spending time with new fuzzy friends.
  • Pick up your most favorite book and begin it again. Returning to something you love could help to ground you.
  • If you have candles in your home, burn a few. Close your eyes, let the scents mingle together, and take some deep, calming breaths.
  • Right before going to sleep, wash your sheets, take them out of the dryer still hot, and make your bed. Let the warmth envelop your body.
  • If you have the ingredients, bake your favorite dessert. Keeping your hands busy might soothe the anguish of “what can I do now?”
  • If you are unable to get out of bed, try doing something that doesn’t require much bodily movement: reading, writing, watching a movie.
  • If you are able to and want to, masturbate. It might help relieve stress. You are allowed to focus on your pleasure. You deserve pleasure.
  • Take a hot shower. If washing your body or hair feels like too much, that’s okay. Just let the water wash over you.
  • Create something, even if just for yourself. We need your creative energies in this world. Resistance through creativity is radical.
Please, please take care of yourself in this traumatic time. The world needs you in it. You are important, and I care about you.

Do you have any self-care methods you love that don’t revolve around money and capitalism? Please do share them in the comments.

For more on self-care in the wake of the election, check out posts from fellow sex bloggers Girly Juice and The Deaf Queer.

Calling Out, Creating Change: What I Do When Businesses Behave Badly

My typical workspace: vanilla chai and dreaming about the future
My ideal workspace: vanilla chai and dreaming about liberation

If you know me at all, you’ll know that ethical, equitable, feminist business practice within the sex toy industry is kinda my thing. Pushing for companies to adopt feminist ethics encompasses the scope of my activist work: promoting body-safe sex toy materials, encouraging trauma-informed sex education, centering marginalized people in marketing and hiring, paying living wages and resisting worker exploitation, and so much more are all included in the fight for ethical and equitable business practice.

Ideally, every company involved in sexual freedom work should have a vested interest in aggressively challenging queerphobia, transphobia, racism, white supremacy, ableism, sexism, fatphobia, capitalism, and stigmatization of sex workers. But not all of them do, and they often make their oppressive opinions known in very public forums.

So I call them out. And here’s why.

Sex toy companies don’t get a free pass just because they exist.

In a society where sex is ubiquitous, yet often met with criticism and shame, it can be exciting to see sex toy companies boldly and unapologetically exist in the world. However, just because companies exist doesn’t mean they’re participating in sexual freedom work – work which requires an active commitment to challenging oppression every single day.

It may seem easy to give sex toy companies a free pass. They’re in this industry, so isn’t that enough? Do they have to be vocal activists? Even if they’re not “politically correct” on everything, they’re still here, right?

“Just being here” is simply not enough for me. Sex toy companies must be held accountable just like any other business. If AT&T released a fatphobic commercial promoting their products, we would call them out on it and demand they do better. If a sex toy company used fatphobia to market their products (which many have done), we should call them out on it and demand they do better (which we did).

Sex toy companies must be held to the same standard as every other company, keeping in mind that challenging oppression and centering marginalized people is rare in any industry – and we should push everyone to do better.

Calling out sex toy companies is also about advocating for consumer safety.

In addition to working in the sexual freedom movement and making a commitment to dismantling interlocking oppressions, sex toy companies also accept a lot of responsibility because they sell things that go inside of people’s bodies.

Toxic sex toys and lubes can make people sick. If a company’s products are mislabeled or if a company sells toys made out of toxic materials, consumers deserve to know. Unfortunately, because the sex toy industry is unregulated, consumers don’t always have advocates within sex toy companies themselves – so we must be those advocates.

This is why bloggers burn questionable toys, write blog posts exposing mislabeled lube ingredients, and exclusively promote retailers that solely stock body-safe sex toy and lube options. We publicly discuss this on social media forums like Twitter and Facebook because these conversations don’t do consumers any good if they’re only held behind closed doors.

We must raise our voices to promote health and safety. They are much too important to dismiss.

Marginalized and oppressed people are not required to play nice when others hurt us.

Companies cannot stab marginalized people in the back and then expect us to pull the knife out and hand it back with a smile. (Side note: this entire section applies to individual people and companies alike.) If your company harms me, I am under no obligation to pat you on the head and say “it’s okay, I know you’ll do better next time” – because it’s not okay, and I would be harming myself and my community if I didn’t speak up.

Part of “playing nice” has long been seen as educating our oppressors and doing their work for them. Let me be clear: it is not our job to educate others on how and why they are hurting us, and what they can do to make the pain go away. If we tell you that you made a mistake, the onus is on you to educate yourself privately. This should be a relatively simple concept to understand, but historically, privileged people have always fed off the backs of the oppressed. (Asking us for free labor IS oppressive behavior, by the way. Pay us. Respect us. Don’t expect us to give you handouts just because you fucked up and you’re too uncomfortable to do the damn work yourself.)

Marginalized and oppressed people are also expected to “play nice” in private contexts. I reject that. When your company actively harms people in public forums, primarily on social media, you deserve to be addressed via the same forum. I refuse to quiet myself to make myself seem palatable to others.

When we call you out, we’re not here to educate you. (At least I’m not.) We are here to hold you accountable and to advocate for ourselves, our communities, and YOUR consumers. When we take you to task, please listen with intention and take action accordingly. This is not difficult. We are not asking you to move mountains. We are simply asking you to do the right thing.

I push sex toy companies to be better because I care about this industry. We deserve better than companies who hire abusers, make rape jokes, shame fat people, and underpay or refuse to pay bloggers and educators. We deserve to be heard. We deserve a seat at the table.

For more on sex and social justice, check out “Fat People Aren’t Your Goddamn Punchline”, “Advocating for Body-Safe Sex Toys is Health Justice”, “The Myth of the Lesbian Sex Toy”, “What Makes a Sex Toy Company Feminist?”, and “I’m a Survivor, and I Will Never Support LELO Again”.

If you’re in the market for sex toys, consider shopping at feminist companies SheVibe and Tantus.

Fat People Aren’t Your Goddamn Punchline

pictured: me! tired of sex toy companies’ fat shaming “marketing techniques”

It started, as so many things do, with a tweet. Well, a direct group message to be exact, from Andy at Ruffled Sheets to myself and a few others. This morning, Andy alerted us to some deplorable tweets full of fat shaming and body negativity from sexmachines.co.uk.

See the tweets in question here in screenshots from Dangerous Lilly. I’m not sharing them directly because they’re NSFW, but please do take a look.

When will this stop? When will fat people stop being used as a punchline for sex toy companies, retailers, and manufacturers? When will companies across the board in any industry stop making us the butt of the joke? When will we be seen as fully human? When will we stop having to assert our inherent worth at every turn? When will we see ourselves represented in marketing strategies in a positive light? When can we just fucking live?

The blogger response was swift and mighty. Upon further investigation, some bloggers discovered that this company also posted a tweet making light of Trump’s sexual assault comments and fat-shamed a YouTuber they worked with.

After a few hours, sexmachines.co.uk’s tweets were removed and the company made an apology. Okay, so? Is that enough? Not for me.

The problem is that those tweets were published in the first place. The problem is that someone who works for a sex toy company wrote those tweets and thought they were a good idea to send. The problem is that the tweets were left up, unchecked by any company management for almost a month, until Andy alerted us to them. The problem is that this kind of behavior replicates the oppressive power structures the sexual freedom movement aims to fight against.

The reality is that this isn’t just about sexmachines.co.uk. This is about the pervasive, persistent narrative that fat people are unworthy, undesirable, and that our bodies are bad; a narrative that’s told in many industries, by countless companies, even by folks who are supposed to be progressive.

Sexual freedom is revolutionary. It is radical. It is transformative. It affirms, among many other things, that all bodies are good bodies, that all bodies are deserving of pleasure, that all bodies have inherent worth. Fat shaming and negativity have no place in the sexual freedom movement, but still, here we are, with yet another company shaming fat folks to market their products.

Fat folks are usually “represented” in marketing in one of two ways. We’re either 1) devoid of any sexuality and just used as props in ads or 2) depicted in an awful, “lesser-than” light if we are sexualized, as if we should be bowing down to whoever takes on the oh-so-arduous task of fucking us. (sexmachines.co.uk managed to employ both of these marketing strategies, one in each of their tweets that Lilly linked to.)

Fat people don’t need sex toy companies to reinforce the false narrative that we are undesirable and bad. We need them to center us in their marketing and actually depict us as the whole humans we are. Even though fat people live fulfilling sexual lives, it is exceedingly rare to find any positive depictions of fat people enjoying themselves or experiencing pleasure on sex toy companies’ websites or social media feeds.

Fat people deserve more than this. We need a seat at every table, not a once-every-now-and-then dinner invitation that ends with us being mocked and ridiculed. We aren’t your goddamn punchline. We’re human beings.

For more of my writing on centering marginalized folks in sex toy companies and marketing, check out “What Makes A Sex Toy Company Feminist?”.

Elena Ferrante, Sex Bloggers, and Men’s Surveillance and Consumption of Anonymous Women

screen-shot-2016-10-08-at-1-39-34-pmI was making my way home from a long weekend in Philadelphia last Sunday when I heard the news about Elena Ferrante, a brilliant and engaging Italian author best known for her novels about women’s lives and friendships. My mother, a fellow devoted Ferrante fan, texted me that she had horrible news: Ferrante had been doxxed. My heart sank as I read the article exposing her legal name, written by a man who claims that Ferrante has “relinquished her right to disappear behind her books and let them live and grow while their author remained unknown” simply because Ferrante admitted to sometimes lying to protect her identity.

As I continued reading, I grew angrier and angrier. This was a deeply misogynist act: a man believed he deserved access to Elena Ferrante, so he outed her because she would not willingly grant him access herself. As my rage swelled within me, I also began to feel viscerally connected to Ferrante. Her books mean a great deal to me, but this tie to her was on a completely different level: as an anonymous (or semi-anonymous) woman writer.

I do not share my legal name, where I live, or information about my career here. Most of my friends and family do not know I am a blogger. I do share pictures of myself, attend conferences, and book speaking engagements. I travel to spend time with friends I have met here and enjoy the rich depths of my relationships with them. It is not that I am half-in and half-out of the sex blogging closet: I simply choose to share some things and not others with the internet at large.

When I chose to show my face on Twitter for the first time, it was a deliberate, autonomous decision. When I submitted a proposal to speak at next year’s Eroticon, it was a deliberate, autonomous decision. When I trust other bloggers, my friends, with details about myself, but do not share that information with the public at large, it is a deliberate, autonomous decision. When Elena Ferrante decided to write anonymously, it was a deliberate, autonomous decision.

These are my choices. That was Elena Ferrante’s choice. Anonymous women and nonbinary writers have control over our own choices. We set our own boundaries, and we deserve for others to respect those boundaries. When Claudio Gatti doxxed Ferrante, he violently invaded her life, broke all of the boundaries she set, and declared his desire to consume her identity more important than her autonomy.

What happened to Elena Ferrante is a real threat for bloggers. Some people do believe we owe them information, like our legal names, where we live, or what we look like. Some men believe they’re entitled to access any part of any woman, and if they don’t know the woman’s “true identity,” they may begin to closely surveil us, as Claudio Gatti surveilled Ferrante. (Note: notions of “true identity” are bullshit. If Elena Ferrante tells you her name is Elena Ferrante, her name is Elena Ferrante. If I tell you my name is Sarah Brynn Holliday, my name is Sarah Brynn Holliday.)

Anonymous writers have a right to privacy, period. We have a right to privacy even if parts of our lives are public. More specifically, sex bloggers have a right to privacy, even if parts of our lives are public. Some of us share pictures of ourselves, talk about whether we have jobs outside of sex blogging and education work, and mention where we live, and some of us don’t. Some of us attend conferences, present workshops, and host podcasts, and some us don’t. No matter what we decide to share or what we do, no one is entitled to any extra information about who we are.

For further reading on Elena Ferrante’s doxxing, please read “The Sexist Big Reveal” by Charlotte Shane and “A Pound of Flesh” by Katherine Angel.

Why I Write About Sex

Content warning: abuse, death.

Today is the first day of fall, my favorite season. Name one thing about it, and I’ll almost certainly light up with joy – apple and pumpkin picking, watching leaves change and flutter to my feet, Scorpio season, the feeling of being held when I put on my favorite sweater, anticipation of the winter holidays right around the corner – it’s all magic to me.

However, for the past four years, my fall seasons have been fraught with distressing memories and emotional pain. In fall 2012, my abuser died.

The weeks and months following his death were excruciating. I can remember that time only in flashes and bursts, like a broken movie reel in front of my face: The funeral. The procession to the cemetery. Placing my hand on the casket before it lowered into the ground. His friends and family, telling me he still asked about me even just one week before he died, that I was the first person they thought to call, even though our relationship had ended over a year ago. Pictures, letters, gifts from our four-year relationship, returned to me and left to sit in my home. Suffering.

Throughout those weeks and months, I could feel something massive bubbling to the surface. I knew our relationship was very unhealthy, but I never had the tools to actually call it abuse until he died, after learning more about consent, feminism, and autonomy in my first year of college. I didn’t know what to say to these people, his family and friends who loved him, who told me repeatedly he still cared about me. I wanted to shout something, anything: “You don’t know the truth,” “don’t believe what he told you,” and even “he was a bad man” all sat at the bottom of my throat, desperately needing to jump out. But we’re not allowed to speak ill of the dead, so I was silent, and stayed silent until I could no longer handle the pain anymore.


Right now, I feel like my body is filled with heavy rocks. Instead of flesh, blood, and guts, I am made up of stones and boulders, rendering me unmovable with their collective weight, each rock a reminder of the sexual trauma and emotional scars I carry with me wherever I go. Each fall brings a different sharp edge, a heavier feeling of fullness, but the rocks never go away. As a survivor and a depressed person, they live with me.

Those rocks are why I write about sex.

I write about sex because talking about pleasure is revolutionary. I also write about sex because my own sexual autonomy was taken away from me, and I am working to boldly and unapologetically reclaim it every day.

Each fall since my abuser’s death brings up something new for me. One fall, it was that the relationship was abusive. Another, I discovered it was very difficult for me to have sex at all, or even masturbate, in the weeks surrounding the anniversary of my abuser’s death. This fall, I’ve been thinking about how my blog has been absolutely crucial in my continual healing process, especially healing from my sexual trauma.

Until I started using sex toys, all of the sex I had and the way I viewed myself and my pleasure were through the lens of what my abuser did to my body and what he told me about my body. Even though I had sex with other people in the time between his death and when I started using toys, I never masturbated, I didn’t feel connected to my body, and I certainly did not have a grasp on what pleasure meant for me as an individual.

When I bought my first sex toys, that started to change. I felt in control of my pleasure for the first time; finally able to begin my journey towards reclaiming my own sexual narrative and my own autonomy. I had my first orgasm and felt more powerful than ever before. I felt good about my body for the first time in years. I felt desirable because I desired myself. It was revolutionary.

I don’t know what this fall will bring, but I do know this: sex toys help me heal, and writing about sex and having a supportive community of bloggers by my side help soothe the weight of those rocks tumbling around inside me. The stones never disappear, and they may grow heavier still, but I am still here. I am here, and I am healing.

If you are a survivor, you are not alone. Please know that you are loved and supported. You matter because you are here in this world, and you matter to me.

Four Days of Joy at Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I returned home from Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit. It seems like just yesterday I was anxiously trying to bide my time at the airport because, as usual, I had arrived way too early. I had been bubbling over with excitement and anticipation for months, and finally the day had come – I was about to fly to Washington, D.C. to meet my blogger friends, the people I had known for over a year but had yet to meet in person.

It is overwhelming to try to put my experience with the Blogsquad into words. It feels almost impossible to describe what it was like to spend time with this brilliant and talented group of people, and I will inevitably leave things out, but here goes!

Wednesday

I arrived in Alexandria on Wednesday evening after a quick flight from North Carolina. I lived in Virginia for 21 years before moving to my current city last year, and seeing familiar landmarks on my way in felt a bit like coming home. After wandering around the airport for a bit waiting for Polly and Lilith to pick me up, I heard a tiny chorus of voices behind me shouting my name: they were here! My friends! Actually in front of me, where I can hug them, and not in my computer screen! (I had this reaction countless times throughout the conference. It’s a cool feeling.)

On our way back up to our rooms, we ran into Epiphora in the lobby. When I introduced myself, she said, “Oh, I know who you are – I recognize you from your lipstick!” (Which is the ultimate #FemmeGoal, let’s be real.) A bit later, we made our way to Mary and Harry‘s room for my first big group blogger hang, complete with wine, tons of laughs, and hilarious stories. I thrive best in one-on-one or small group interactions, so I was a bit nervous about how the night would go in a larger group, but I had no need to worry: I quickly felt at ease with my blogger friends. I think this tweet from Piph sums up the evening excellently:

Thursday

I woke up early on Thursday for a very exciting reason: to welcome my dear friend Kate to our Room-o-Femmes! We instantly bonded as we showed other our potential outfits for the weekend ahead. I knew I was in for a fantastic roommate situation with this femme by my side. As Kate settled in for a nap, I made my way downstairs to pick up my name badge and check out Tantus’s Blogger Lounge.

Okay, so technically this selfie with Sugarcunt wasn't taken on Thursday, but it WAS taken in the Blogger Lounge!
Okay, so technically this selfie with Sugarcunt wasn’t taken on Thursday, but it WAS taken in the Blogger Lounge!

The next few hours were filled with exciting introductions, a plethora of hugs, and an abundance of good feels all around. As bloggers arrived, they slowly started to trickle into the Blogger Lounge to greet those of us who had flown or drove in on Wednesday. I was thrilled to meet everyone in person: Lilly with her Jar of Horrors in tow, Lunabelle with her suitcase full of fantastic dildos, Sarah with a bag full of candy curated specially for the Blogger Lounge… it was surreal to be in the same room as my blogger pals for the first time ever. And, of course, I almost exploded with anticipation waiting to greet my best friend Sugarcunt.

Later in the day, a group of us visited Lunabelle’s room to check out her magnificent dildo garden. The rumors are true: it was a glorious sight to behold. In the evening, we hung out with Tina Horn (!) in the Room-o-Femmes (and our third rooomate, Artemisia, arrived), went to Bedpost Confessions, and had our first anxiety group parking lot rendezvous, where I felt like a Very Cool Grrrl Gang member.

Friday

After a day and a half spent talking, laughing, and hanging out with my blogger friends, it was time for the educational sessions to begin! In addition to spending time with the Blogsquad, I was also delighted to spend a weekend learning from some of the greatest minds in the sexuality field. Woodhull was filled with brilliant educators, activists, and writers, and I couldn’t wait to soak up as much information as possible like the little sex geek sponge I am. Before I jumped into a full day of sessions, I snagged a selfie with Sugarcunt, my sweet and smart blogger bestie.

Then, during our lunch break, we convened in the Blogger Lounge and did what bloggers do best. Yep, I was definitely with my people.

Me and my bright green Melon Ball in Luna's Room!
Me and my bright green Melon Ball in Luna’s Room!

After Friday’s sessions, Lunabelle told us she had brought a large box of misfit dildos for the Blogsquad to pick through and select what they’d like to take home. These toys were free to good homes, but Luna did accept donations to support Woodull if people were able to give, which was a fantastic idea. While we ooh-ed and ahh-ed over Luna’s collection, she broke out her rolling bar and offered us all drinks. Luna was kind enough to add Midori and pineapple juice to the rolling bar this year so I could make my signature Melon Balls! This small gesture meant so much to me – the Blogsquad is caring, accommodating, and generous at every turn. A large group of us spent the next couple of hours chatting, drinking, and selecting new dildos to welcome into our homes.

On Friday night, we all made our way to SheVibe’s Blogger Pajama Party. Clad in our PJ finery, bloggers were greeted with snacks, drinks, and extravagant swag bags courtesy of SheVibe, an ethical, feminist company that believes in bloggers and does all they can to support us. Part of the PJ Party was a poetry slam, where we were blessed with the poetic stylings of a number of talented bloggers, and where Girl On The Net performed this unbelievably hilarious and brilliant piece. I’m pretty sure that even if hotel guests were on the top floor, they could hear our uproarious laughter.

Saturday

Saturday promised even more educational sessions and blogger hangouts, but it also brought an overwhelming feeling of sadness. The next morning, I would be on my way back home. While some of us were making plans to see each other again soon, I also knew I wouldn’t see the majority of these folks again until next August’s conference. I knew I wanted to make the most of my last day with the Blogsquad.

Saturday evening was the perfect end to an amazing Woodhull experience. After the day’s sessions finished, Kate, Artemisia, Caitlin, Suz, Sarah, and I convened in the Room-o-Femmes to order room service and prepare for the evening’s gala, where we were later joined by Luna (and happily gifted her crème brûlée). Thrilled with the roll selection we were given with dinner, I professed my deep love for bread and asked the room what would happen if I changed the name of my blog to “Bread” and started reviewing bread instead of sex toys. Then, this happened:

Now, if you ever see bloggers respond to each other on Twitter with a bread emoji, you’ll know why. It’s kind of a thing. Thanks, Room-o-Femmes.

Surrounded by femme beauties Suz, Kate, and Artemisia!

After spending a bit of time at the gala, most of us made our way to the Retreat area of the conference hotel, where the rest of the bloggers were hanging out. We spent hours talking, drinking, and just simply enjoying each other’s company – we knew we were all going our separate ways very soon, and wanted to spend as much time together as possible before starting our long journeys home the next day. We also took a big Blogsquad group picture (minus a couple of people who were still at the gala) thanks to my selfie stick, which is a photo I’ll always treasure. Whenever I’m feeling down or lonely, I look at that picture and am reminded of Woodhull and the incredible people I have in my life.

Sunday

Sunday morning was filled with emotional goodbyes and a few inside jokes. It was excruciatingly hard to walk away from my friends and get on the shuttle to the airport, but I did it knowing that I could already start counting down to next year’s Sexual Freedom Summit, as well as plan other meet-ups throughout the coming year.

As I was winding down for bed on Sunday evening, I scrolled through my Twitter feed and put an episode of Frasier on for some background noise. Nothing really out of the ordinary here – this is my typical nighttime routine. But something was out of the ordinary: I had just returned from a conference where I felt really, truly seen for the first time in a long, long time. I have never felt so comfortable with a group of people as I do with the Blogsquad. Bloggers support each other unconditionally when we’re together in person and when we’re apart and only able to communicate virtually. It’s a beautiful community that I am thankful to be a part of.

Woodhull provides attendees with a revolutionary space for us affirm sexual freedom as a human right. The Blogsquad provides me with a revolutionary space for me to truly be myself. Thank you for four days of joy.

If you want to support my future travels to conferences like Woodull’s Sexual Freedom Summit, email me! I am currently raising money to get to Eroticon in London in March, where I’ll be speaking about Sex Blogging as Feminism and Social Justice.

Advocating for Body-Safe Sex Toys is Health Justice

Brilliant image created by the one and only SugarCunt! Feat. my favorite toys, the Jimmyjane Iconic Wand and Vixen Creations Mustang

Lately, I’ve been ruminating on the concept of sex blogging and writing as feminism and social justice in practice. Bloggers advocate for ethical business standards, educate consumers about body-safe sex toys and lubricants, promote pleasure-and-consent-based sex education for all, and write without shame or stigma about our own bodies, pleasure, and desires, among so many other things. We write to make a difference, and the writing we do is feminist. The work we are doing is revolutionary justice work, and part of that work is health justice.

According to Health Justice Connecticut and the Office of Minority Health, “health justice is a term used to describe health equity: an attainment of the highest level of health for all people.” Part of achieving justice in any arena includes making sure that is is comprehensive and includes stigmatized things or topics – like sex toys, masturbation, or just talking openly about sex in general.

For me, health justice as it relates to sex toys means that comprehensive, non-biased sex education exists, that people are able to access that education no matter who they are or where they live, and that they can use that education to make informed decisions about their bodies. Without knowledge of the materials that are going on or inside of our bodies, we are unable to make informed, educated decisions about the toys and lubricants we use. We are unable to live healthy lives if we fear infections from toxic toys that contain phthalates and other unsafe materials, or worse, if we don’t know that those sex toy materials are toxic in the first place.

This is why writing about body-safe toys and lubricants and exposing unsafe, unethical companies is so important. The sex toy industry is unregulated, and outside of the blogosphere, a handful of ethical companies and retailers, and education-centric feminist sex shops, very little consumer education exists on sex toy materials and how unsafe materials could affect our bodies.

While individual bloggers’ writing about sex toy safety is vital, a main component of health justice for all is access. This means comprehensive education needs to be accessible to everyone: easy to find and available in a number of mediums. While the internet can be incredibly educational if you find the right blogs and websites, there’s also a huge amount of misinformation on the web. (Case in point: the “sexual health coach” who argues that women who need to use lube are unable to self-lubricate because they aren’t emotionally connected to their partner.) Furthermore, not everyone has access to a computer or other devices with internet connection.

I had no idea that some sex toys are made out of toxic materials until my senior year of college, when a feminist sex educator gave a presentation about toy materials and safe lubricants to my university’s queer student group. Her presentation changed the way I view sex toys, but it was also an optional, extracurricular event for a student organization: very different from a classroom setting, textbook, or required lecture. In order to truly attain health justice, sex toy safety needs to be an integral component of any sexual education curriculum in high schools and universities. Talking about pleasure and masturbation in sex ed classes is a radical idea for some, but it shouldn’t be: young people are having sex, masturbating, and exploring their bodies, and will continue to do so whether they’re given safety information or not.

For more opinions on where to shop for safe sex toys and which shops to avoid, check out the blogs I recommend in my blogroll. You are welcome to ask bloggers for clarification and advice if you have questions about a certain material, retailer, or company: I am always willing to advise my readers about toy safety and ethical companies, and the bloggers I trust are happy to do the same.

Sponsored by EdenFantasys. All writing here is my own.

Blogger disclosure: sponsors on Formidable Femme are simply paid advertisers and do not necessarily represent companies I would personally endorse, recommend, or work with past the terms of an advertising contract.