Review: Je Joue Uma

Welcome, dear readers! I know, I know, it’s been a while. After an incredibly difficult summer and a recent whirlwind move to a new state (complete with a new job, new apartment, new everything), I’m finally ready to return to Formidable Femme and work on putting out regular content. That being said, I’m also trying this thing where I attempt not to make myself feel bad about taking time away from here so soon after I launched the site – this frame of mind doesn’t always work, but if I’ve learned one thing in my short stay thus far in the sex blogger community, it’s that people want you to put yourself first. They understand when life gets in the way and you need to spend all your energy taking care of yourself – and they’ll still be here when you get back. So, before we get started, I’d like to give a massive thank you to this amazing community for being supportive and always offering me kind words of encouragement over the past few months. And now, I declare my blogging hiatus officially over!

Before I get started, I must give a million thanks to AfterDarque for sending me the Uma to review and for being so patient and understanding with me while I navigated the past few months. If you’re looking for a fantastic, 100% body-safe online shop run by compassionate and caring people, AfterDarque is the place to go!

Je Joue’s Uma

The Basics

Je Joue’s Uma is a versatile vibrator that offers opportunities for both internal and external stimulation as well as a wide range of vibration patterns and speeds. My Uma arrived quickly in a discreet, unmarked package (thanks, AfterDarque!), and I was pleased to find that the vibrator itself was contained in a sleek black box with only the Je Joue emblem emblazoned on top. Inside the box is the Uma, a magnetic charging cable, and an instruction booklet.

The Uma comes in four colors – black, fuchsia, lilac, and purple – and is completely body safe, waterproof, and is made out of smooth, velvety silicone. It is seven inches long and features a slim design that gets gradually girthy at either end of the toy with the magnetic charging port located at the bottom. Uma’s charger easily becomes displaced from the port, so it’s important to place Uma on a steady surface to avoid any charging mishaps.

The Uma has three buttons on the bottom of the toy: +, -, and ~. Holding the + button down turns Uma on and pressing it allows you to cycle upwards through the five vibration settings. Holding the – button down turns the Uma off and pressing it allows you to cycle downwards through the five vibration settings. Pressing the ~ button in the middle allows you to cycle through the seven vibration patterns (including the steady vibration mode.) These buttons are incredibly hard to push – when I first received my Uma, I thought it was broken because the buttons weren’t turning the toy on. Later I found out I just wasn’t pushing hard enough. (Seriously, y’all, these are intense buttons.)

One of this toy’s most notable features is its unique set of vibrations. Uma’s vibrations are a sort of pulsing rumble, not strictly on either size of the rumbly-buzzy spectrum, but instead residing somewhere in between towards the rumbly end. This pulsing rumble moves slightly towards the buzzy side of the spectrum when cycling through to the higher speeds, but even on the highest level, the buzzy quality is not overwhelming by any means.

While the Uma isn’t the loudest vibrator I’ve ever heard, it’s not the quietest either. Its unique set of vibrations is accompanied by a unique sound unlike any vibrator I’ve heard before. I’m not exactly sure how to describe this sound – the best I can do is “fluttery rattling.” (A coworker of mine said Je Joue toys sound like angry beetles. I can’t really disagree.)

My Experience with the Uma

All unforeseen life events aside, it’s taken me a long time to figure out how exactly to write this review, particularly this section. Despite the versatility this toy offers, Uma just didn’t do it for me.

To begin with, I’m not a huge fan of internal vibration, so it’s no huge surprise that I didn’t find the Uma super stimulating for my G-spot. Hoping that the Uma would fare better externally than internally, I turned to my clit for the answer, but still came up short. Additionally, Uma was uncomfortable to insert without warming up first. This was particularly surprising to me given Uma’s relatively slim size and velvety silicone feel, but it happened time and time again.

I’m one of those rare people (I’ve come to find out) who truly appreciates and enjoys buzzier vibrations. While I do also like rumbly vibrations, it’s usually the high, buzzy settings of a vibrator that push me over the edge. Even though Uma’s vibrations strike a balance between rumbly and buzzy, the buzzy vibrations aren’t strong enough for my liking, even on the highest setting. Furthermore, I usually prefer softer, dual-density toys for internal use, which may have been why Uma’s sturdiness didn’t quite hit the spot.

It’s important to highlight here that my experience with the Uma are based on personal preference. It just so happens that what Uma brings to the table – internal vibration, hardness, and a unique, rumbly vibration set – just doesn’t jive with what gets me off. However, I do think this could be the perfect vibrator for someone else! To read up on some other positive reviews of the Uma to see if this may be the vibrator of your dreams, check out reviews by Dizzygirl and Emmeline Peaches.

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Uma features a nice G-spot curve.

Final Thoughts

As I’m sure you can tell by now, the Uma wasn’t for me. That isn’t to say, dear reader, that the Uma isn’t for you! As mentioned above, if your tastes are different from mine, I strongly encourage you to check out the above reviews and Uma’s product page on AfterDarque to read more about this vibrator.

If you’re thinking about getting an Uma for yourself, please consider purchasing your toy from AfterDarque. AfterDarque kindly provided the Uma for me in exchange for my honest review, and I can say with complete honesty that they are one of the kindest and most considerate companies I’ve had the pleasure of working with. Even if you’re in the market for a new toy other than the Uma, AfterDarque is sure to have what you’re looking for – with a sexual wellness collection that is entirely non-toxic, you can feel safe, secure, and comfortable shopping with them. As an extra treat, you can get 10% off at AfterDarque with the code “FEMME”!