The Power of Spooky Femme

Content warning: abuse.

One week ago, I cut my hair for the first time in two and a half years. I also dyed it jet black.

For my friends and family, the shoulder-length chop and color change may seem like a massive departure from my signature waist-length dark brown hair. But for me, my new hair feels like coming home.

• • •

If you follow me on Twitter or read my blog regularly, you’ve undoubtedly seen me talk about #SpookyFemme. I created #SpookyFemme to describe my aesthetic: all black clothing; deep red lipstick, and dark hair. My friend Kate calls this look “severe”, which I really love.

Being seen as severe, spooky, dark, and even unapproachable makes me feel good and powerful. Spooky femme is so much more than what you visually see from the outside: my femme identity comes from an internal power that is inherently tied to my queerness.

I love my spooky femme look, but I had a nagging feeling that it was incomplete. I wear all black every day. My nails are long and painted black with a matte overcoat. My dark lipstick is my trademark. So what was missing?

I had been considering a big hair chop for a while. On a whim, I thought “what if I also dyed it black?” Immediately, an image of me wearing all black with dark lipstick and black hair popped into my mind, and it clicked: spooky femme means so much to me and makes me feel so powerful because it’s a reclamation of my younger self, the self that I halted for almost ten years because my abuser forced me to.

• • •

When I was thirteen, I dyed my hair black and I adored it. I was your typical young goth teenager –  I loved wearing all black, and Tripp pants and heavy metal band tees peppered my closet – but the very beginnings of my budding spooky femmeness went deeper than that, as they continue to do now. What everyone assumed was just a phase wasn’t a phase for me. Somewhere inside of me, a small voice said “this is right”.

Until it wasn’t.

I also started dating my abuser when I was thirteen. A couple of months into our relationship, he started telling me what I was and was not allowed to wear (which later evolved into what I was and was not allowed to eat, and who I was and was not allowed to spend my time with… the list goes on). He demanded that I stop wearing the clothes I loved to wear, and promised he would never talk to me or even acknowledge my presence at school if I didn’t change my look.

I was crushed and confused. I loved my goth aesthetic, but I was just emerging out of years of being bullied horribly, and I knew what was going to happen at school if my abuser and his friends ever saw me wearing my beloved dark clothes again. I was already in the throes of an abusive relationship, and I had no idea.

I traded my Tripp pants for floral sundresses, let my band tees collect dust in the back of my closet, put light brown highlights in my hair, and packed my goth dreams away with a bruised heart.

• • •

Last fall, five years after my relationship with my abuser ended, #SpookyFemme was born. In an off-hand comment, I used the term to describe my look in the first picture in the collage above.

After a few years of bouncing between style phases, I had begun to wear a lot of black again. I knew “goth” didn’t feel like a perfect fit anymore, but “spooky” did – it combines severe glamour with my unyielding take-no-shit attitude. The small voice inside of me that said “this is right” when I was thirteen came roaring back.

• • •

One week ago, I looked in the mirror and felt more powerful than I have in ten years. My clothes are mine. My body is mine. My hair is mine.

My life is mine, and I will continue to reclaim it.

If you are a survivor, you are not alone. Please know that you are loved and supported. You matter because you are here in this world, and you matter to me.

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Black Friday & Cyber Monday Sex Toy Roundup!

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If you’ve been thinking about getting yourself a brand-spankin’-new sex toy, now is the time!

I have a lot of feelings about Black Friday, worker exploitation, and capitalism, so I’m making an explicit commitment to only promoting ethical and equitable sex toy companies and retailers. You can shop here knowing that your toys are coming from good people who treat their employees fairly.

SheVibe

SheVibe is having a progressive sale you’ll definitely want to get in on!
From 11/23 to 11/28, Shevibe is offering 10% off $85 or more with code KRINGLE10, 15% off $100 or more with code KRINGLE15, and 20% off $125 or more with code KRINGLE20!

Can’t decide what to get? Allow me to make a few suggestions!

And finally, if you love Fun Factory toys, you’re in luck! SheVibe is running a special Fun Factory gift offer where all purchases of Fun Factory products totaling $109.99 or more (after discounts) will receive a free toy box! User offer code TOYBOX to redeem your gift (and yes, you can stack that code on top of your discount code)!

Tantus

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Tantus is having a MASSIVE 40% off everything sale!
From 12 AM PST on 11/24 to 11:59 PST on 11/28, everything (except for the few exceptions noted above) is 40% off at Tantus with code BLACKFRIDAY.

Overwhelmed by their amazing selection? I have some ideas:

  • If you’re looking for a smaller-sized, squishy dildo, you definitely need the Pack ‘n Play No. 2 in your life. This is one of my top three favorite dildos, and trust me, it’s worth the investment!
  • In search of a wand vibrator, but not sure if you’re ready for the intense power of some plug-in wands? Check out the Rumble, Tantus’ very own wand!
  • Did you know Tantus makes bondage rope now? Well, they do, and you should certainly have a look at their selection!
Twisted Monk

Twisted Monk doesn’t have any specific Black Friday sales, but you should absolutely do yourself a favor and check out their product selection anyway.
I just received my first review product from Twisted Monk, and I am incredibly impressed with the quality of their rope and they care they put into their business.

New to rope and not sure what to get? I’m new too, so let me help ya out!

  • The More Than Curious Kit is a great choice for beginners who want room to grow. If you’re just starting out and trying to decide between the Curiosity Kit and the More Than Curious Kit, go with More Than Curious – it’s a great mid-level pack! This is the kit I chose, after all!
  • Into all things glitter and sparkly? Make sure to add some Hand-Spun Sparkle Bamboo Rope to your order!
  • If you’re interested in wax play, check out their Curiosity Candles! They just launched a couple of weeks ago and are a great way to explore both light uses and heavier scenes. Make sure you add the book option to your order to make the most out of your new candles!
Peepshow Toys

Peepshow Toys is also having a progressive sale you won’t want to miss!
From 11/24 to 11/28, Peepshow Toys is offering 15% off $75 or more with code FIVEDAY15, 20% off $100 or more with code FIVEDAY20, and 25% off $150 or more with code FIVEDAY25!

Peepshow Toys is one of my oldest affiliates, and I’ve loved seeing their selection grow! If you’re having a hard time picking a toy, here are some tried-and-true favorites:

By doing your shopping through these links, you’re helping me out, too! Because these stores are my affiliates, I get a small percentage of each sale made (at no additional cost to you). Thank you for supporting Formidable Femme!

For more Black Friday updates throughout the holiday weekend, be sure to follow me on Twitter!

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Surviving the Election: Self-Care Methods that Don’t Require Access to Money

This writing originally appeared as a series of tweets, then as a Medium post. Now I’m reposting it here, on my personal blog. The tweets and Medium post received an incredible amount of feedback – it’s clear that folks are seeking community, healing, and survival methods at this time, and I wanted to make sure this list of self-care tips was accessible to everyone visiting my blog itself for years to come.

I love the emphasis on self-care floating around the internet right now in the wake of the election. I also want to elevate self-care methods that don’t require access to money.

If you are able to treat yourself, great, but not everyone can do that. (I suggest donating to progressive organizations if you do have money.)

Here are some self-care ideas that don’t revolve around money and capitalism:
  • First and foremost, drink a glass of water! Your body needs it.
  • If you are able, and you feel safe to, take a walk. Whether it’s around your town or your apartment complex, it may feel good to move your body.
  • If you are not able to go for a walk or go outside, open a few windows in your home or sit on your deck. The fresh air will feel good.
  • Visit your local animal shelter or sanctuary. The animals will thank you, and you can take comfort in spending time with new fuzzy friends.
  • Pick up your most favorite book and begin it again. Returning to something you love could help to ground you.
  • If you have candles in your home, burn a few. Close your eyes, let the scents mingle together, and take some deep, calming breaths.
  • Right before going to sleep, wash your sheets, take them out of the dryer still hot, and make your bed. Let the warmth envelop your body.
  • If you have the ingredients, bake your favorite dessert. Keeping your hands busy might soothe the anguish of “what can I do now?”
  • If you are unable to get out of bed, try doing something that doesn’t require much bodily movement: reading, writing, watching a movie.
  • If you are able to and want to, masturbate. It might help relieve stress. You are allowed to focus on your pleasure. You deserve pleasure.
  • Take a hot shower. If washing your body or hair feels like too much, that’s okay. Just let the water wash over you.
  • Create something, even if just for yourself. We need your creative energies in this world. Resistance through creativity is radical.
Please, please take care of yourself in this traumatic time. The world needs you in it. You are important, and I care about you.

Do you have any self-care methods you love that don’t revolve around money and capitalism? Please do share them in the comments.

For more on self-care in the wake of the election, check out posts from fellow sex bloggers Girly Juice and The Deaf Queer.

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Calling Out, Creating Change: What I Do When Businesses Behave Badly

My typical workspace: vanilla chai and dreaming about the future
My ideal workspace: vanilla chai and dreaming about liberation

If you know me at all, you’ll know that ethical, equitable, feminist business practice within the sex toy industry is kinda my thing. Pushing for companies to adopt feminist ethics encompasses the scope of my activist work: promoting body-safe sex toy materials, encouraging trauma-informed sex education, centering marginalized people in marketing and hiring, paying living wages and resisting worker exploitation, and so much more are all included in the fight for ethical and equitable business practice.

Ideally, every company involved in sexual freedom work should have a vested interest in aggressively challenging queerphobia, transphobia, racism, white supremacy, ableism, sexism, fatphobia, capitalism, and stigmatization of sex workers. But not all of them do, and they often make their oppressive opinions known in very public forums.

So I call them out. And here’s why.

Sex toy companies don’t get a free pass just because they exist.

In a society where sex is ubiquitous, yet often met with criticism and shame, it can be exciting to see sex toy companies boldly and unapologetically exist in the world. However, just because companies exist doesn’t mean they’re participating in sexual freedom work – work which requires an active commitment to challenging oppression every single day.

It may seem easy to give sex toy companies a free pass. They’re in this industry, so isn’t that enough? Do they have to be vocal activists? Even if they’re not “politically correct” on everything, they’re still here, right?

“Just being here” is simply not enough for me. Sex toy companies must be held accountable just like any other business. If AT&T released a fatphobic commercial promoting their products, we would call them out on it and demand they do better. If a sex toy company used fatphobia to market their products (which many have done), we should call them out on it and demand they do better (which we did).

Sex toy companies must be held to the same standard as every other company, keeping in mind that challenging oppression and centering marginalized people is rare in any industry – and we should push everyone to do better.

Calling out sex toy companies is also about advocating for consumer safety.

In addition to working in the sexual freedom movement and making a commitment to dismantling interlocking oppressions, sex toy companies also accept a lot of responsibility because they sell things that go inside of people’s bodies.

Toxic sex toys and lubes can make people sick. If a company’s products are mislabeled or if a company sells toys made out of toxic materials, consumers deserve to know. Unfortunately, because the sex toy industry is unregulated, consumers don’t always have advocates within sex toy companies themselves – so we must be those advocates.

This is why bloggers burn questionable toys, write blog posts exposing mislabeled lube ingredients, and exclusively promote retailers that solely stock body-safe sex toy and lube options. We publicly discuss this on social media forums like Twitter and Facebook because these conversations don’t do consumers any good if they’re only held behind closed doors.

We must raise our voices to promote health and safety. They are much too important to dismiss.

Marginalized and oppressed people are not required to play nice when others hurt us.

Companies cannot stab marginalized people in the back and then expect us to pull the knife out and hand it back with a smile. (Side note: this entire section applies to individual people and companies alike.) If your company harms me, I am under no obligation to pat you on the head and say “it’s okay, I know you’ll do better next time” – because it’s not okay, and I would be harming myself and my community if I didn’t speak up.

Part of “playing nice” has long been seen as educating our oppressors and doing their work for them. Let me be clear: it is not our job to educate others on how and why they are hurting us, and what they can do to make the pain go away. If we tell you that you made a mistake, the onus is on you to educate yourself privately. This should be a relatively simple concept to understand, but historically, privileged people have always fed off the backs of the oppressed. (Asking us for free labor IS oppressive behavior, by the way. Pay us. Respect us. Don’t expect us to give you handouts just because you fucked up and you’re too uncomfortable to do the damn work yourself.)

Marginalized and oppressed people are also expected to “play nice” in private contexts. I reject that. When your company actively harms people in public forums, primarily on social media, you deserve to be addressed via the same forum. I refuse to quiet myself to make myself seem palatable to others.

When we call you out, we’re not here to educate you. (At least I’m not.) We are here to hold you accountable and to advocate for ourselves, our communities, and YOUR consumers. When we take you to task, please listen with intention and take action accordingly. This is not difficult. We are not asking you to move mountains. We are simply asking you to do the right thing.

I push sex toy companies to be better because I care about this industry. We deserve better than companies who hire abusers, make rape jokes, shame fat people, and underpay or refuse to pay bloggers and educators. We deserve to be heard. We deserve a seat at the table.

For more on sex and social justice, check out “Fat People Aren’t Your Goddamn Punchline”, “Advocating for Body-Safe Sex Toys is Health Justice”, “The Myth of the Lesbian Sex Toy”, “What Makes a Sex Toy Company Feminist?”, and “I’m a Survivor, and I Will Never Support LELO Again”.

If you’re in the market for sex toys, consider shopping at feminist companies SheVibe and Tantus.

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Fat People Aren’t Your Goddamn Punchline

pictured: me! tired of sex toy companies’ fat shaming “marketing techniques”

It started, as so many things do, with a tweet. Well, a direct group message to be exact, from Andy at Ruffled Sheets to myself and a few others. This morning, Andy alerted us to some deplorable tweets full of fat shaming and body negativity from sexmachines.co.uk.

See the tweets in question here in screenshots from Dangerous Lilly. I’m not sharing them directly because they’re NSFW, but please do take a look.

When will this stop? When will fat people stop being used as a punchline for sex toy companies, retailers, and manufacturers? When will companies across the board in any industry stop making us the butt of the joke? When will we be seen as fully human? When will we stop having to assert our inherent worth at every turn? When will we see ourselves represented in marketing strategies in a positive light? When can we just fucking live?

The blogger response was swift and mighty. Upon further investigation, some bloggers discovered that this company also posted a tweet making light of Trump’s sexual assault comments and fat-shamed a YouTuber they worked with.

After a few hours, sexmachines.co.uk’s tweets were removed and the company made an apology. Okay, so? Is that enough? Not for me.

The problem is that those tweets were published in the first place. The problem is that someone who works for a sex toy company wrote those tweets and thought they were a good idea to send. The problem is that the tweets were left up, unchecked by any company management for almost a month, until Andy alerted us to them. The problem is that this kind of behavior replicates the oppressive power structures the sexual freedom movement aims to fight against.

The reality is that this isn’t just about sexmachines.co.uk. This is about the pervasive, persistent narrative that fat people are unworthy, undesirable, and that our bodies are bad; a narrative that’s told in many industries, by countless companies, even by folks who are supposed to be progressive.

Sexual freedom is revolutionary. It is radical. It is transformative. It affirms, among many other things, that all bodies are good bodies, that all bodies are deserving of pleasure, that all bodies have inherent worth. Fat shaming and negativity have no place in the sexual freedom movement, but still, here we are, with yet another company shaming fat folks to market their products.

Fat folks are usually “represented” in marketing in one of two ways. We’re either 1) devoid of any sexuality and just used as props in ads or 2) depicted in an awful, “lesser-than” light if we are sexualized, as if we should be bowing down to whoever takes on the oh-so-arduous task of fucking us. (sexmachines.co.uk managed to employ both of these marketing strategies, one in each of their tweets that Lilly linked to.)

Fat people don’t need sex toy companies to reinforce the false narrative that we are undesirable and bad. We need them to center us in their marketing and actually depict us as the whole humans we are. Even though fat people live fulfilling sexual lives, it is exceedingly rare to find any positive depictions of fat people enjoying themselves or experiencing pleasure on sex toy companies’ websites or social media feeds.

Fat people deserve more than this. We need a seat at every table, not a once-every-now-and-then dinner invitation that ends with us being mocked and ridiculed. We aren’t your goddamn punchline. We’re human beings.

For more of my writing on centering marginalized folks in sex toy companies and marketing, check out “What Makes A Sex Toy Company Feminist?”.

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