Advocating for Sex Toys in the Age of Trump

There are many things I care about as an activist, among which are abortion rights, racial and economic justice, sex workers’ rights, prison abolition, queer and trans liberation, disability justice, and sexual freedom. These issues didn’t just come to fruition: we fought for them before Trump’s candidacy and we’ll continue to fight for them throughout and after his presidency.

After the election, however, something else came to mind: sex toys. More specifically, advocating for sex toys, which in turn means fighting for sexual rights, sexual freedom, and for everyone to be able to express themselves sexually however they desire.

Advocating for various ethical and equitable issues around sex toys isn’t a novel concept. Every day, sex educators and bloggers fight for safe sex toy materials, financial accessibility of sex toys, geographic availability of ethical sex shops, and more diversity in sex toy advertising, among a host of other things. Further, sex toys are a part of sexual freedom, so they are already included in some of the movements mentioned above. However, sex toys themselves, both as their own entities and as existing within the sexual freedom framework, are now on the top of my priority list.

What’s in Store for Sex Toys Under a Trump/Pence Administration?

Talking openly and radically about sex toys, sexual pleasure, and desire has never been easy or welcomed with open arms, but in my experience, it’s gotten at least a little bit easier in the past few years. Sex toys are popping up in TV shows left and right and being written about in large, mainstream news outlets. When I tell a new acquaintance I’m a sex blogger, the first thing they usually want to talk about is sex toys. It’s not unusual to overhear a conversation about sex toys in your favorite coffee shop or on the metro. Cultural attitudes about sex toys seem to be shifting.

But I’m worried the sex toy tides are going to turn again under Donald Trump and Mike Pence’s administration.

We know what happens when sexual and reproductive rights take a backseat to ultra-conservative fear-mongering: abortion rights erode, comprehensive sex education dissolves, and sex is suddenly the root of all evil. Under Trump’s presidency, people may be afraid to continue to voice their desires and seek education about sex, sex toys, and sexual exploration.

Sex Toys Are Too Important to Be Left Behind

Sex toys are tools for sexual expression, pleasure, survival, and exploration. Because sex toys are a part of sexual freedom and sexual rights, they play an inherent role in advocating for human rights more broadly. We cannot afford to backpedal on the progress the sexual freedom movement has made to make sex toys more acceptable in the mainstream.

If you need evidence of sex toys’ critical role in many people’s lives, the stories are easy to find. For me, sex toys are central to my healing process as an abuse survivor. For Kate, sex toys are valid and transformative whether being used alone or with a partner. For Lilly, orgasm can be a necessary boost of good hormones, and vibrators are vital. For Ruby, sex toys have helped to reduce sexual trauma triggers and reconnect with touch in a positive way. And for Insert Trans Here, wands help her enjoy her sexuality.

It’s clear that sex toys are not only symbols of the sexual freedom movement, but are a crucial, intimate part of our everyday lives. We must not let them be relegated to the shadows again.

What Can We Do Now?

I’m not going to solely advise that you support sex bloggers and writers throughout the next few years. We’ll be here. I want you to support yourself, believe in your power, and join others in countering attacks on sexual freedom. Here are a few ideas.

  • Link up with local, state, and national organizations doing sexual freedom work. Woodhull Freedom FoundationSex Workers Outreach Project, and the National Network of Abortion Funds are great places to start. If you’re not sure of the organizations in your area but want to get involved, email me. I’ve worked in the progressive movement for six years and can point you in the right direction.
  • Write. Have sex toys made an impact on your life? Write about it. You don’t need to have a blog to make a difference: it’s easy to write a story on Medium, pitch a feminist publication, or share your experiences through a series of tweets.
  • Support ethical, equitable, feminist sex shops. Whether online or brick-or-mortar, feminist shops are on the front lines of the battle against pleasure, and they deserve your business. If you’re looking to shop online, check out SheVibe and Vibrant. If you’re looking for a local store, check out JoEllen Notte’s list of Superhero Sex Shops.
  • Fight for inclusive, comprehensive sex education where you live. Advocating for policy on the federal level is important, but so is advocacy on the local and state level. That’s where we build power. Research what sex education is like in your local school district, and see if you can join any existing groups that advocate for sex ed where you live. If no group exists, create one yourself! You could even run for school board!
  • Get loud and organize. If you feel safe to do so, speak up, and encourage others to raise their voices too. Gather your neighbors for a community workshop on safe sex toy materials. Start a blog. Create a DIY zine about sex toys and distribute it at your college or university. Attend a rally about sexual rights, or organize your own. Do what you can to advance sexual freedom in your community.

Together, we will resist and defend.

Continue Reading

I’m a Queer Femme and I Adore My Long Nails

My spooky glamour femme winter aesthetic

Two days before Christmas, something awful happened: one of my nails broke.

You may be laughing, but this was no joke. I had a dilemma on my hands. After weeks of careful care, my nails were the longest they’d ever been. They were painted a beautiful black matte to match my #SpookyFemme aesthetic, and they were glorious. And the worst part? I was headed to New York City two days later, and now I’d have to galavant around as a glamorous femme with… a broken nail. Nice.

One broken nail was easy enough to hide. But then, on Christmas day, a second nail broke, because of course it did. (And a third the next day.) Dejected and disappointed, I resolved to cut all of my nails when I returned from vacation.

• • •

If you had told me even six months ago that I’d be mourning the loss of three nails, I wouldn’t have believed you.

When I was just beginning to understand my queerness and learn about queer culture, one of the most popular things I heard time and time again was that queer women don’t have long nails. That sounds ridiculous to me now, but it really stuck when I was a young, impressionable 18-year-old baby queer surrounded by femmephobia.

Femmephobia is heartbreakingly rampant in the queer community, and so much of it manifests in policing femmes’ choices of clothing, makeup, and overall presentation. (It’s worth mentioning here that femme is a great many wondrous things! Just because someone is femme doesn’t automatically mean they wear makeup, for example. One of the beautiful things about being femme is the many radical forms it takes.)

The assumption that long-nailed femmes can’t have sex with people with vulvas is absurd, but it’s what we learn from queer popular culture, especially in iconic women and femme-centric shows like The L Word. These stereotypes trickled down into my everyday interactions: I can’t count the number of times someone from my college friend group judged a femme-presenting person’s potential queerness on their nail length, or how often I heard “If you want to find out if a woman is queer, look at her nails!” come out of someone’s mouth.

It pains me to say I bought into all of this too: without knowing it, I had internalized femmephobia and projected it onto people I didn’t know, and then turned it on myself.

• • •

It wasn’t until a year or so ago that I began to befriend queer femmes who wear their nails long and painted, like Artemisia and Caitlin. Slowly but surely, I drew femme energy and strength from them and started to experiment with my nails, too – and I’m never going back.

I adore my long, natural nails. I adore how powerful I feel when I flaunt them. I adore the compliments I receive when people see them. I adore the looks on men’s faces when they notice them, as though my nails alone are intimidating. I adore the tapping sound they make whenever I type. I adore the intricate care that goes into maintaining them; the precise brush strokes I use to create the perfect coat of color. I adore that they have become an integral part of my femmeness.

What I find so magical about my nail revolution is that my femme is ever-evolving. My femme opens doors for me and allows me to break down social constructs. It’s dynamic, subversive, formidable, radical, and so much more than what you can see from the outside. My femme is always teaching me new ways to be myself.

• • •

Right now, my nails are the shortest they’ve been in months (and that’s still longer than they were a year ago). They’re painted a mauve matte color, and I’m enjoying my search for the perfect lipstick to match them.

In just a month or so, my nails will be as long as they were at Christmas. When they are, I’ll paint them black matte again and revel in my glamorous spooky aesthetic, defying femmephobia as I do.

Continue Reading

7 Commitments Sex Toy Companies Can Make in 2017

In 2016, I found my sex blogging niche by challenging companies and pushing for ethical, equitable, feminist business practice, so it seems only fitting to close out the year with a list of how sex toy companies can do better in 2017. Enjoy!

  1. Center ethics, equity, and justice in business practice. This is a big one, and it encompasses everything else on this list. My main point of this specific bullet, however, is to acknowledge that sex toys and the sex toy industry are part of the fight for sexual freedom and sexual rights more broadly. I firmly believe that this work is inherently political. (If your company doesn’t like that, it may be time to reevaluate your reasons for being in this industry.) Now more than ever, especially with Tr*mp’s inauguration looming closer each day, sex toy companies must not only boldly and bravely stand against injustice, but actively work to defend and expand human rights.
  1. Urge other companies to be better, and call them out if necessary. One of the most heartening things I saw this year was when L’amourose called out LELO for their HEX condom campaign. In the tweet, L’amourose writes, “Not in our families, not in our industry, not in our society.” Not in our industry. It’s a short message, but a strong one. If companies want to demonstrate their commitment to sexual freedom, they should speak out when they see something that harms those values, even if it’s coming from a peer in the industry.
  1. Diversify advertising. Sex toy consumers are not just white, cis, straight, thin, and able-bodied, but you wouldn’t know that by looking at many companies’ websites. Exclusionary advertising runs rampant in this industry. From toys categorized by sexual orientation and gender, companies’ focus on whiteness, and fat-shaming used as a marketing device, we’ve got it all. Thankfully, it’s not difficult to make changes that have a big impact. As a first step, companies can remove sexual orientation and gender-based sex toy categories from their websites. For a lengthier but crucial second step, companies can create advertising and marketing campaigns that feature fat people, people of color, disabled people, and queer and trans people. (Note: while centering marginalized folks in advertising is necessary, don’t tokenize us. Before reaching out to hire us, please understand why you should include us. And please, please pay us equitably.)
  1. Include fat and disabled people in any new toy testing process. Because every person’s body is different, there is a huge range of accessibility needs and concerns to take into account when crafting sex toys. Some toys won’t work the same way for fat and/or disabled people as they will for thin and/or able-bodied people. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing – it’s just a fact. However, fat and disabled people are often shut out from any sex toy prototype testing process. (Why? Let’s review #3: this industry prioritizes thin, able-bodied people.) From now on, I want to see companies reach out to fat and disabled bloggers and educators to test their toys. Not sure who to reach out to? Email me and I can point you in the right direction.
  1. Stop asking for unpaid labor from sex bloggers and educators. This is not a goal to work towards. This is something to stop immediately. It is really that simple. Read this if you’re confused.
  1. Don’t hire abusers or create condoms that compromise people’s health and safety. Okay, yes, this is obviously about LELO, but how could I not highlight the company that has received my “You Royally Fucked Up And Continue To Do So, Now Please Leave Forever” award? It’s an honor I don’t want to bestow on any company ever again. Take this opportunity to learn from LELO’s countless mistakes. When in doubt, don’t do as LELO did: a mantra to conduct business by!
  1. Promote sexual freedom, not shame. When shopping around for sex toys, words and phrases like “naughty” and “it can be your little secret!” will likely pop up on companies’ websites. Companies also often prescribe certain ways for the consumer to use the toy – for example, “use this with your man!” is a common one that irks me to no end. While comments like this may seem offhand or harmless, they’re actually insidious and stigmatizing. People should be encouraged to use sex toys however they’d like without implications of who they should use it with, or be shamed about how open they are about owning sex toys in the first place. Sex toys are a normal, everyday part of life for many, many people. It’s time for companies to market toys using a model of freedom and positivity rather than shame and stigma.

If your company would like to discuss any of these points further, please email me to discuss my consulting fee.

Continue Reading

Pay Me or Get Out of My Inbox

This post started, as so many do, with a tweet. For once, it wasn’t a tweet from a company behaving badly. It was one of mine, ruminating on a topic bloggers bring up so often but receive so little justice on: getting paid for our work.

I feel like I’m always talking about this. I feel like bloggers and writers in general are always talking about this. I even went back through my blog archive to make sure I hadn’t written this post before.

Just so we’re clear, I’m exhausted of talking about this. I don’t want to be writing this blog post. I shouldn’t have to be writing this blog post, but the onslaught of companies who reach out asking for bloggers’ unpaid labor only seems to be getting worse, so here we are.

To demonstrate the sheer volume of these requests, I asked my sex blogging buddies to send me the number of unpaid work solicitations they received last month. In just November 2016, a small sample of 6 sex bloggers (both new bloggers and sex blogging veterans) received 66 emails asking for unpaid work.

This is unacceptable. These 66 requests were for product reviews from companies that don’t have affiliate programs, other types of blog posts such as personal essays and articles, advertisements to be placed on our blogs, and social media promotion of sales and new products. Basically, if a company asks a blogger to do something and they’re not paying us for it, guess what? That’s unpaid work.

(To clarify a point that’s received backlash in the past: yes, companies should either 1) pay bloggers to review their products, or 2) have a robust affiliate program that gives bloggers a chance to earn decent money. Sex toys do not pay the bills. It took me almost a year to fully grasp this concept, and I used to accept products for review left and right without compensation or an affiliate program. Now I don’t.)

Sex bloggers’ work is not frivolous, easy, or “just for fun”. For some, blogging is their full-time job. (And yes, asking us what we “really do” is insulting.) For others, it’s a part-time job, or a beloved side project in addition to a career in a different field. No matter where a sex blogger lands on the working spectrum, our blogs are serious business endeavors that we pour much of our time, energy, and passion into.

On average, it takes me between 3 and 12 hours to complete a blog post from inception to completion. This includes communicating with companies, researching, writing and editing the post, taking and editing photos, and social media promotion. Outside of writing blog posts, I spend a great deal of time curating my Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook accounts. For many bloggers, social media is the way we connect with our audience, and it’s an important part of the job that can’t be overlooked.

Blogging is legitimate work. To stop companies from exploiting bloggers, I think it’s worth exploring why they ask for free content. While some companies are just greedy and want to steamroll bloggers, I think there’s another major factor at play here, too.

Compared to other industries and blogging niches, the sex toy industry and sex blogging community are relatively small and tight-knit. The most common explanation I get when I ask companies why they’re soliciting unpaid labor is “We’re new, small, and don’t yet have an advertising budget, but we need the exposure.”

It’s fine to be a new company – we all start somewhere. What isn’t fine is thinking that because we’re in the same community, bloggers owe companies some type of favor. If you are not financially secure enough to pay bloggers, don’t reach out to us. Seriously, don’t.

Paying people for their labor shouldn’t have to be a revolutionary thing. If you think bloggers’ work is good enough for you to want to partner with us, pay us. It’s truly that simple. There’s nothing secretive about this and there’s no hidden detour to get around it. This is serious. This is about equity, ethics, and economic justice.

I’m tired of debating my worth email after email after email. I’m tired of companies trying to cut my sponsored post and advertising rates in half. I’m tired of hearing about the latest work solicitation email from fellow sex bloggers, knowing full well I’ll see the same email when I open my inbox. I’m tired of writing about this.

From now on, my reply to these companies is simple: pay me or get out of my inbox. Bloggers are mighty. If you haven’t noticed that, you might not be paying attention. We deserve to be paid for our work. We are worth it.

Are you a sex blogger? Want to join an unpaid work request tracking project in 2017? DM me or email me.

Are you a company? Want to talk about my rates? Email me. Want me to write for you without pay? Go away.

Want to hire a blogger, but think I may not be the best fit for your brand? Great, I’ve made this easy for you. Please refer to the blogroll to your right. Each blogger on my list is brilliant, talented, and worth your time and money.

Continue Reading

Review: We-Vibe Sync

I haven’t been reviewing many toys lately, but when Vibrant reached out to me and offered the We-Vibe Sync for review, I couldn’t resist! Thanks, Vibrant!

And Vulvas ‘Round the World Rejoiced: You Can Customize This Thing!

The Sync is a drastic departure from previous iterations of the We-Vibe, which featured only “loose fit” and “snug fit” models. These two polar opposites left no room for people in the middle, which meant that there was really no guarantee that the We-Vibe would fit any given person’s anatomy. Spending over one hundred dollars on a toy that might not work for your body isn’t exactly ideal, especially when there weren’t any options to adjust the toy to fit your needs.

With the Sync, it’s clear that We-Vibe took the above concerns into consideration. They produced a truly innovative product: the Sync has two hinges that adjust the shape of the toy, meaning it can fit a huge range of bodies. There is one hinge in the center of the Sync (between the internal and external arms), and one in the internal arm. Once you set the hinges where you want them to be, they stay there. You can bend the Sync all  you want, and the shape you’ve chosen holds in place.

This awesome innovation allows for a fully customizable sex toy – you get to pick the shape that works best for you and your anatomy. Of course, I can’t 100% guarantee this will fit your own anatomy, because I do not have your anatomy, but I can guarantee that the possibilities are essentially endless with the Sync. If you’re skeptical (and, let’s real, I would be too), see my video below!

The Way To My Heart is Through We-Vibe’s App… and Sex Toy Storage?
Screenshots of the We-Connect app (click to enlarge)

The Sync is my first hands-free, device-connected sex toy. I wasn’t sure if I would like using an app with it, especially since I’m not used to being glued to technology while masturbating, but I’m happy to say We-Vibe’s app totally optimized my experience with the Sync!

The “We-Connect” app is well-designed, aesthetically pleasing, and easy to use… and I’m hooked. In the app, you can cycle through various vibration modes (both steady vibration and patterns), adjust speeds for both the external and internal arms, and create your own patterns.

I’m seriously ready to start a petition for every sex toy company I love to develop similar apps for their products. I much prefer using the app instead of the remote that comes with the Sync, but it’s imperative to note that the app does not work for every body, especially larger bodies. (More on this in the Accessibility section below.)

The We-Vibe Sync’s storage and charging case (click to enlarge)

There’s another outstanding feature worth mentioning about the Sync: its case, which doubles as a charging unit. I never put a big emphasis on sex toy storage in reviews, but We-Vibe deserves a round of applause for this one! The Sync’s case is excellent for people who need discreet storage. It also travels quite well – I took the Sync on a recent overnight trip and all I had to do was dock the toy and remote, throw the charging cord in the case, and toss it in my duffel bag.

Okay, But Did I Like It?

Well, that’s a complicated question. I was impressed by the Sync’s external motor when I first turned it on, which is substantially more powerful than previous We-Vibe models. (The internal motor is nothing to write home about, which isn’t too surprising.) Being the power queen that I am, it takes a lot for a vibrator motor to impress me, so I had high expectations for the Sync… but first impressions aren’t everything, and the Sync didn’t work for my body for a number of reasons.

There are three important things to know about my masturbation preferences: 1) I am a power queen, 2) I like to move vibrators around during use, and 3) I am not a girth enthusiast. Because of this combination, I wasn’t able to reach orgasm with the Sync. The external motor is strong, but since this is more of a stationary vibrator, moving it around kind of defeated the purpose of the Sync entirely. (One more power level would have been nice, too.) I also tried using the Sync paired with a dildo, but it was much too painful. If I couldn’t handle a smaller-sized dildo with this toy, I definitely could not have handled penetrative sex. (Fingers alone might be fine, though.)

My reasons for not liking the Sync have nothing to do with its design – given that this is a hands-free, “couples” toy, they aren’t too many ways to get around it being a stationary vibrator or one that’s meant to be used with penetration. This is just about my personal preferences, and I appreciated the opportunity to play around with the We-Connect app and all the different shapes the Sync can take on. I still think the Sync is a smart, innovative toy that could be great for some folks!

My Accessibility Concerns with the Sync

The Sync has some awesome features, but it’s not exactly the most accessible sex toy on the market. It’s technically a “hands-free” toy, but you still need to be able to adjust the hinges to fit your body before using it, which makes it not so hands-free after all. If you have mobility or joint issues, the Sync will probably be difficult for you to use.

The other concern I have with the Sync is accessibility for fat bodies. The We-Vibe Connect app connects to the Sync via Bluetooth, which doesn’t always work for fat folks or folks with fleshy labia. Both The Frisky Fairy and Dangerous Lilly have reported on this, and it’s an important thing to keep in mind before you shell out $199 for the Sync.

The Verdict

I feel comfortable recommending the Sync as long as you know what your preferences and needs are: do you need a massive amount of power? do you have limited mobility? do you need to move your toy around to reach orgasm? do you have trouble taking more girth than what you’re used to? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, the Sync might not be the best option for you.

“Couples” vibrators are never going to be perfect, but if you’re looking for one or if you’re looking for hands-free solo play and don’t have any problems with the above limitations, the Sync could be a good option for you! It’s certainly the only vibrator specifically designated as a “couples” toy for use during penetrative sex that I would recommend.

Vibrant generously provided me with the We-Vibe Sync in exchange for my honest and unbiased review. Vibrant is my newest affiliate and an excellent ethical company, and they absolutely deserve your business! Take a look at their selection here.

Continue Reading
1 2 3 8