Why I Write About Sex

Content warning: abuse, death.

Today is the first day of fall, my favorite season. Name one thing about it, and I’ll almost certainly light up with joy – apple and pumpkin picking, watching leaves change and flutter to my feet, Scorpio season, the feeling of being held when I put on my favorite sweater, anticipation of the winter holidays right around the corner – it’s all magic to me.

However, for the past four years, my fall seasons have been fraught with distressing memories and emotional pain. In fall 2012, my abuser died.

The weeks and months following his death were excruciating. I can remember that time only in flashes and bursts, like a broken movie reel in front of my face: The funeral. The procession to the cemetery. Placing my hand on the casket before it lowered into the ground. His friends and family, telling me he still asked about me even just one week before he died, that I was the first person they thought to call, even though our relationship had ended over a year ago. Pictures, letters, gifts from our four-year relationship, returned to me and left to sit in my home. Suffering.

Throughout those weeks and months, I could feel something massive bubbling to the surface. I knew our relationship was very unhealthy, but I never had the tools to actually call it abuse until he died, after learning more about consent, feminism, and autonomy in my first year of college. I didn’t know what to say to these people, his family and friends who loved him, who told me repeatedly he still cared about me. I wanted to shout something, anything: “You don’t know the truth,” “don’t believe what he told you,” and even “he was a bad man” all sat at the bottom of my throat, desperately needing to jump out. But we’re not allowed to speak ill of the dead, so I was silent, and stayed silent until I could no longer handle the pain anymore.


Right now, I feel like my body is filled with heavy rocks. Instead of flesh, blood, and guts, I am made up of stones and boulders, rendering me unmovable with their collective weight, each rock a reminder of the sexual trauma and emotional scars I carry with me wherever I go. Each fall brings a different sharp edge, a heavier feeling of fullness, but the rocks never go away. As a survivor and a depressed person, they live with me.

Those rocks are why I write about sex.

I write about sex because talking about pleasure is revolutionary. I also write about sex because my own sexual autonomy was taken away from me, and I am working to boldly and unapologetically reclaim it every day.

Each fall since my abuser’s death brings up something new for me. One fall, it was that the relationship was abusive. Another, I discovered it was very difficult for me to have sex at all, or even masturbate, in the weeks surrounding the anniversary of my abuser’s death. This fall, I’ve been thinking about how my blog has been absolutely crucial in my continual healing process, especially healing from my sexual trauma.

Until I started using sex toys, all of the sex I had and the way I viewed myself and my pleasure were through the lens of what my abuser did to my body and what he told me about my body. Even though I had sex with other people in the time between his death and when I started using toys, I never masturbated, I didn’t feel connected to my body, and I certainly did not have a grasp on what pleasure meant for me as an individual.

When I bought my first sex toys, that started to change. I felt in control of my pleasure for the first time; finally able to begin my journey towards reclaiming my own sexual narrative and my own autonomy. I had my first orgasm and felt more powerful than ever before. I felt good about my body for the first time in years. I felt desirable because I desired myself. It was revolutionary.

I don’t know what this fall will bring, but I do know this: sex toys help me heal, and writing about sex and having a supportive community of bloggers by my side help soothe the weight of those rocks tumbling around inside me. The stones never disappear, and they may grow heavier still, but I am still here. I am here, and I am healing.

If you are a survivor, you are not alone. Please know that you are loved and supported. You matter because you are here in this world, and you matter to me.

Continue Reading

Four Days of Joy at Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I returned home from Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit. It seems like just yesterday I was anxiously trying to bide my time at the airport because, as usual, I had arrived way too early. I had been bubbling over with excitement and anticipation for months, and finally the day had come – I was about to fly to Washington, D.C. to meet my blogger friends, the people I had known for over a year but had yet to meet in person.

It is overwhelming to try to put my experience with the Blogsquad into words. It feels almost impossible to describe what it was like to spend time with this brilliant and talented group of people, and I will inevitably leave things out, but here goes!

Wednesday

I arrived in Alexandria on Wednesday evening after a quick flight from North Carolina. I lived in Virginia for 21 years before moving to my current city last year, and seeing familiar landmarks on my way in felt a bit like coming home. After wandering around the airport for a bit waiting for Polly and Lilith to pick me up, I heard a tiny chorus of voices behind me shouting my name: they were here! My friends! Actually in front of me, where I can hug them, and not in my computer screen! (I had this reaction countless times throughout the conference. It’s a cool feeling.)

On our way back up to our rooms, we ran into Epiphora in the lobby. When I introduced myself, she said, “Oh, I know who you are – I recognize you from your lipstick!” (Which is the ultimate #FemmeGoal, let’s be real.) A bit later, we made our way to Mary and Harry‘s room for my first big group blogger hang, complete with wine, tons of laughs, and hilarious stories. I thrive best in one-on-one or small group interactions, so I was a bit nervous about how the night would go in a larger group, but I had no need to worry: I quickly felt at ease with my blogger friends. I think this tweet from Piph sums up the evening excellently:

Thursday

I woke up early on Thursday for a very exciting reason: to welcome my dear friend Kate to our Room-o-Femmes! We instantly bonded as we showed other our potential outfits for the weekend ahead. I knew I was in for a fantastic roommate situation with this femme by my side. As Kate settled in for a nap, I made my way downstairs to pick up my name badge and check out Tantus’s Blogger Lounge.

Okay, so technically this selfie with Sugarcunt wasn't taken on Thursday, but it WAS taken in the Blogger Lounge!
Okay, so technically this selfie with Sugarcunt wasn’t taken on Thursday, but it WAS taken in the Blogger Lounge!

The next few hours were filled with exciting introductions, a plethora of hugs, and an abundance of good feels all around. As bloggers arrived, they slowly started to trickle into the Blogger Lounge to greet those of us who had flown or drove in on Wednesday. I was thrilled to meet everyone in person: Lilly with her Jar of Horrors in tow, Lunabelle with her suitcase full of fantastic dildos, Sarah with a bag full of candy curated specially for the Blogger Lounge… it was surreal to be in the same room as my blogger pals for the first time ever. And, of course, I almost exploded with anticipation waiting to greet my best friend Sugarcunt.

Later in the day, a group of us visited Lunabelle’s room to check out her magnificent dildo garden. The rumors are true: it was a glorious sight to behold. In the evening, we hung out with Tina Horn (!) in the Room-o-Femmes (and our third rooomate, Artemisia, arrived), went to Bedpost Confessions, and had our first anxiety group parking lot rendezvous, where I felt like a Very Cool Grrrl Gang member.

Friday

After a day and a half spent talking, laughing, and hanging out with my blogger friends, it was time for the educational sessions to begin! In addition to spending time with the Blogsquad, I was also delighted to spend a weekend learning from some of the greatest minds in the sexuality field. Woodhull was filled with brilliant educators, activists, and writers, and I couldn’t wait to soak up as much information as possible like the little sex geek sponge I am. Before I jumped into a full day of sessions, I snagged a selfie with Sugarcunt, my sweet and smart blogger bestie.

Then, during our lunch break, we convened in the Blogger Lounge and did what bloggers do best. Yep, I was definitely with my people.

Me and my bright green Melon Ball in Luna's Room!
Me and my bright green Melon Ball in Luna’s Room!

After Friday’s sessions, Lunabelle told us she had brought a large box of misfit dildos for the Blogsquad to pick through and select what they’d like to take home. These toys were free to good homes, but Luna did accept donations to support Woodull if people were able to give, which was a fantastic idea. While we ooh-ed and ahh-ed over Luna’s collection, she broke out her rolling bar and offered us all drinks. Luna was kind enough to add Midori and pineapple juice to the rolling bar this year so I could make my signature Melon Balls! This small gesture meant so much to me – the Blogsquad is caring, accommodating, and generous at every turn. A large group of us spent the next couple of hours chatting, drinking, and selecting new dildos to welcome into our homes.

On Friday night, we all made our way to SheVibe’s Blogger Pajama Party. Clad in our PJ finery, bloggers were greeted with snacks, drinks, and extravagant swag bags courtesy of SheVibe, an ethical, feminist company that believes in bloggers and does all they can to support us. Part of the PJ Party was a poetry slam, where we were blessed with the poetic stylings of a number of talented bloggers, and where Girl On The Net performed this unbelievably hilarious and brilliant piece. I’m pretty sure that even if hotel guests were on the top floor, they could hear our uproarious laughter.

Saturday

Saturday promised even more educational sessions and blogger hangouts, but it also brought an overwhelming feeling of sadness. The next morning, I would be on my way back home. While some of us were making plans to see each other again soon, I also knew I wouldn’t see the majority of these folks again until next August’s conference. I knew I wanted to make the most of my last day with the Blogsquad.

Saturday evening was the perfect end to an amazing Woodhull experience. After the day’s sessions finished, Kate, Artemisia, Caitlin, Suz, Sarah, and I convened in the Room-o-Femmes to order room service and prepare for the evening’s gala, where we were later joined by Luna (and happily gifted her crème brûlée). Thrilled with the roll selection we were given with dinner, I professed my deep love for bread and asked the room what would happen if I changed the name of my blog to “Bread” and started reviewing bread instead of sex toys. Then, this happened:

Now, if you ever see bloggers respond to each other on Twitter with a bread emoji, you’ll know why. It’s kind of a thing. Thanks, Room-o-Femmes.

Surrounded by femme beauties Suz, Kate, and Artemisia!

After spending a bit of time at the gala, most of us made our way to the Retreat area of the conference hotel, where the rest of the bloggers were hanging out. We spent hours talking, drinking, and just simply enjoying each other’s company – we knew we were all going our separate ways very soon, and wanted to spend as much time together as possible before starting our long journeys home the next day. We also took a big Blogsquad group picture (minus a couple of people who were still at the gala) thanks to my selfie stick, which is a photo I’ll always treasure. Whenever I’m feeling down or lonely, I look at that picture and am reminded of Woodhull and the incredible people I have in my life.

Sunday

Sunday morning was filled with emotional goodbyes and a few inside jokes. It was excruciatingly hard to walk away from my friends and get on the shuttle to the airport, but I did it knowing that I could already start counting down to next year’s Sexual Freedom Summit, as well as plan other meet-ups throughout the coming year.

As I was winding down for bed on Sunday evening, I scrolled through my Twitter feed and put an episode of Frasier on for some background noise. Nothing really out of the ordinary here – this is my typical nighttime routine. But something was out of the ordinary: I had just returned from a conference where I felt really, truly seen for the first time in a long, long time. I have never felt so comfortable with a group of people as I do with the Blogsquad. Bloggers support each other unconditionally when we’re together in person and when we’re apart and only able to communicate virtually. It’s a beautiful community that I am thankful to be a part of.

Woodhull provides attendees with a revolutionary space for us affirm sexual freedom as a human right. The Blogsquad provides me with a revolutionary space for me to truly be myself. Thank you for four days of joy.

If you want to support my future travels to conferences like Woodull’s Sexual Freedom Summit, email me! I am currently raising money to get to Eroticon in London in March, where I’ll be speaking about Sex Blogging as Feminism and Social Justice.

Continue Reading

Advocating for Body-Safe Sex Toys is Health Justice

Brilliant image created by the one and only SugarCunt! Feat. my favorite toys, the Jimmyjane Iconic Wand and Vixen Creations Mustang

Lately, I’ve been ruminating on the concept of sex blogging and writing as feminism and social justice in practice. Bloggers advocate for ethical business standards, educate consumers about body-safe sex toys and lubricants, promote pleasure-and-consent-based sex education for all, and write without shame or stigma about our own bodies, pleasure, and desires, among so many other things. We write to make a difference, and the writing we do is feminist. The work we are doing is revolutionary justice work, and part of that work is health justice.

According to Health Justice Connecticut and the Office of Minority Health, “health justice is a term used to describe health equity: an attainment of the highest level of health for all people.” Part of achieving justice in any arena includes making sure that is is comprehensive and includes stigmatized things or topics – like sex toys, masturbation, or just talking openly about sex in general.

For me, health justice as it relates to sex toys means that comprehensive, non-biased sex education exists, that people are able to access that education no matter who they are or where they live, and that they can use that education to make informed decisions about their bodies. Without knowledge of the materials that are going on or inside of our bodies, we are unable to make informed, educated decisions about the toys and lubricants we use. We are unable to live healthy lives if we fear infections from toxic toys that contain phthalates and other unsafe materials, or worse, if we don’t know that those sex toy materials are toxic in the first place.

This is why writing about body-safe toys and lubricants and exposing unsafe, unethical companies is so important. The sex toy industry is unregulated, and outside of the blogosphere, a handful of ethical companies and retailers, and education-centric feminist sex shops, very little consumer education exists on sex toy materials and how unsafe materials could affect our bodies.

While individual bloggers’ writing about sex toy safety is vital, a main component of health justice for all is access. This means comprehensive education needs to be accessible to everyone: easy to find and available in a number of mediums. While the internet can be incredibly educational if you find the right blogs and websites, there’s also a huge amount of misinformation on the web. (Case in point: the “sexual health coach” who argues that women who need to use lube are unable to self-lubricate because they aren’t emotionally connected to their partner.) Furthermore, not everyone has access to a computer or other devices with internet connection.

I had no idea that some sex toys are made out of toxic materials until my senior year of college, when a feminist sex educator gave a presentation about toy materials and safe lubricants to my university’s queer student group. Her presentation changed the way I view sex toys, but it was also an optional, extracurricular event for a student organization: very different from a classroom setting, textbook, or required lecture. In order to truly attain health justice, sex toy safety needs to be an integral component of any sexual education curriculum in high schools and universities. Talking about pleasure and masturbation in sex ed classes is a radical idea for some, but it shouldn’t be: young people are having sex, masturbating, and exploring their bodies, and will continue to do so whether they’re given safety information or not.

For more opinions on where to shop for safe sex toys and which shops to avoid, check out the blogs I recommend in my blogroll. You are welcome to ask bloggers for clarification and advice if you have questions about a certain material, retailer, or company: I am always willing to advise my readers about toy safety and ethical companies, and the bloggers I trust are happy to do the same.

Sponsored by EdenFantasys. All writing here is my own.

Blogger disclosure: sponsors on Formidable Femme are simply paid advertisers and do not necessarily represent companies I would personally endorse, recommend, or work with past the terms of an advertising contract.

Continue Reading

The Myth of the Lesbian Sex Toy

I need to tell you something. It’s not a secret, so there’s no need to gather round closely, or whisper this one in hushed tones behind closed doors. Please, for the love of goddess, shout this from the rooftops: despite what some retailers promote on their websites or in their stores, there is no such thing as “gay and lesbian sex toys”.

I am a queer woman. I use sex toys. But my sex toys are not queer sex toys. They are simply sex toys, for use by people of any sexual orientation.

I’ve written before about the importance of companies and retailers relieving toys from any gendered categories on their website or in their stores in a post about ethical, feminist sex toy companies, which was inspired by one notoriously awful company claiming to embody feminist values who then hired an abuser to promote their condoms. Now, I’ve been inspired to write about mythical “gay and lesbian sex toys” thanks to the reactions to this tweet, which then prompted this tweet, which then prompted my investigation into a number of online retailers.

There are a huge amount of online sex shops and brick-and-mortar stores that categorize sex toys by sexual orientation. I will not link to any of those shops here, but they are easily found. It doesn’t take much searching. Most often, these categories are named “gay and lesbian toys” or are are separated into “gay toys” and “lesbian toys”. During the aforementioned investigating, I even found a retailer with a “gay masturbation” category. (What is that? Please, someone, enlighten me.) The toys in these “gay and lesbian” categories are often strap-on kits, including dildos and harnesses, anal toys, like plugs or beads, and strokers, but this is definitely not an exhaustive list. Retailers put all kinds of toys under their “gay and lesbian” section.

I want to make one thing clear: this isn’t about queering sex toys. I deeply believe that movements, frameworks, and things in our lives can be queered – for example, examining how we can queer sex education to center queer and trans people in curricula, how we can queer the sexual freedom movement so that people of marginalized genders and sexual orientations are represented, or how we can queer perceptions of sex toy usage by highlighting their revolutionary importance for lots of queer folks who are exploring their bodies or re-discovering pleasure after trauma (like me!).

I could write a book on each of those topics. But this is not about queering: this is about presenting factual information on retailer websites and in stores, removing stigma from sex toy use, and understanding that sex toys are not sexual orientation or gender specific.

Categorizing certain sex toys as “gay and lesbian” is not just inaccurate and frustrating: it shows a real, radical misunderstanding of both sex toys and queerness. This misunderstanding starts with language. Where are the sex toys specifically branded for bisexual, pansexual, and queer people? Are queer people who do not identify as gay or lesbian allowed to use sex toys? What about straight folks who enjoy strap-on sex or anal play? Are gay and lesbian people only allowed to use the certain toys listed in their specific category? Of course not. Any toy can be used by queer folks, not just anal beads, plugs, strokers, or strap-ons – people of all sexual orientations can use any toy they like, but these questions expose the ridiculousness of such separatist branding.

The most common arguments I hear in favor of categorizing sex toys by sexual orientation (and gender) relate to targeting, marketing, and SEO. To me, this boils down to one thing: does your company prioritize marginalized people, or does your company only care about making money at the expense of queer people’s identities? By simply classifying toys according to what they are (what a novel concept!) instead of who you think they will appeal to, your company will move towards inclusivity and attract folks who do not feel alienated by your branding. It’s a win-win all around.

Sex toys are for everyone. It’s that simple.

If you own or work at a sex toy company and want to do a deeper dive on centering queer and trans people in your business model, you can contact me to discuss my consulting fee.

Continue Reading

Review: Lovehoney Desire Wand

Welcome to the fifth post in the Wand Queen series! In 2015, after experimenting with lots of toys in my first few months as a reviewer, I figured out what really works for me: broad stimulation, particularly wands. So now, in 2016, I’ll be reviewing at least one wand per month from March onward. Check out my previous four reviews in the series: Svakom Emma Heating Wand, BMS Factory PalmPower, OhMiBod Lovelife Wanderlust, and Jimmyjane Iconic Wand.

desirewand1

I’m not going to beat around the bush with this one: The Lovehoney Desire Wand is one of my favorite vibrators I’ve tried this year. I’ve had my eye on this toy since Lovehoney released their Desire range in November 2015, so I was delighted to receive it for review this summer. I wanted this wand to deliver, but was cautiously optimistic, remembering previous times where I couldn’t wait for a toy but was sorely let down. Thankfully, this wand more than delivered – it is now one of my top three favorite wands and occupies a coveted spot on my bedside table.

desirewand2
Back of Desire Wand, ft. The Odd Plastic Panel

The Desire Wand has all the features you’d expect from a well-made toy, and then some. It’s USB rechargeable, waterproof, and made of buttery-smooth, body-safe silicone. The Desire Wand also features a travel lock and comes with a sturdy storage case (not just a bag!), which is pretty impressive. It can be rare to find a great vibrator with a travel lock, and as someone who travels fairly frequently, this is super important to me. The storage case is even more of a rarity: while some companies include bags with their toys, Lovehoney included a large, lockable case that you can charge the wand inside of discreetly. I love this case because it holds all of my favorite wands, with room leftover for lube and charging cables! The only odd feature about the Desire Wand is a plastic panel on the back of the toy. (Why isn’t the whole thing silicone? I am confused.)

Toy features are important. But how does the Desire Wand feel? Really damn good.

Even though the Desire Wand is a rechargeable, medium-sized toy, it still packs a punch. It boasts twelve vibration speeds and eight vibration modes, and moves from rumbly to buzzy as the speed increases, but not in the typical “Well, the first two speeds are rumbly and the last three are buzzy” kind of way: even on this wand’s top speed, it still retains a sense of rumbliness, which I really appreciate. While I was still testing this toy, I found myself reaching for it even in my non-testing masturbation sessions, which is most definitely not the case with all of the toys I receive for review. After I finished testing it, the Desire Wand became a regular in my toy lineup, which told me a lot – most of the time, toys aren’t strong enough for my power queen clit, and I won’t really have a use for them after I’m finished with the testing period.

Storage case

While I love the Desire Wand, I do have two qualms with it: the controls and the charging port. I find the buttons fairly hard to push, and there’s no way to turn this toy off quickly – you need to press the “minus” button and cycle through to the lowest vibration speed to shut it down. This isn’t exactly ideal if someone has privacy concerns and may need a toy with easy-turn off capabilities. Because this toy is rechargeable and waterproof, the charging port is covered by silicone, and has to be punctured by the charger. The first time I tried to charge the Desire Wand, I honestly thought mine had a manufacturing issue and didn’t come with a charging port – the layer of silicone was that hard to break through.

It’s clear that I think the Desire Wand is a great toy. It’s one of the strongest rechargeable vibrators I’ve tried yet, and the massive variety of speeds and patterns can appeal to a wide range of tastes and preferences. I’d recommend it to just about anyone, except people who know they firmly do not like wand vibrators.

Lovehoney generously provided me with the Desire Wand in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.

If you enjoyed this review and want to support the ongoing success of Formidable Femme, please consider using the affiliate links used throughout this post. Many thanks in advance!

Continue Reading
1 2 3 6